:: Articles ::

Truth Spreads Like Cancer
By: Alex Anderson

DISCLAIMER: Print this article right now by pressing (CTRL+P) on your keyboard.  Save this document underneath your pillow or in another safe place.  This way if I **mysteriously** kick the bucket short after publication and this site is subsequently shut-down by federal authorities on the order of extra-terrestrial/sub terrestrial beings, then you can spread the truth yourself by sending the document under your pillow to major publications like the New York Times or the Washington Post or Tiger Beat.  Just remember: THE TRUTH IS ALREADY OUT THERE.  YOU JUST NEED TO FIND IT!!!!

Okay, lets get this straight, the President of the United States is really just the chosen puppet of a bunch of secret societies with hoards of money that can’t even be measured in dollars or euros or Google stock.  It is the job of this President to keep Americans and even people in other super-power type countries on the edge of their seats with trivial things like war over oil or bio-terrorism and abortion rights.  Meanwhile deep underground the Earth’s crust in the geological territory known as the Upper Mantle, there are literally city-sized communities with streets and avenues measured not in miles, but in football fields.  People in these communities are working together, running tests on caged aliens even though the caged aliens simultaneously control the universe while experimenting with mating themselves with clearly less intelligent human being species in order to create a race of super-intelligent-universe-controlling-alien/overweight-God-fearing-American hybrids.  Its only with this super-race of misfits, that the aliens that occupy our underground and also parts of outer space, can hope to win an ancient battle with other super-intelligent aliens with eyes that blink horizontally (gasp!).

The only real mystery left is this:  Assuming that everything on AM radio is true and our daily lives of going to work, coming home, watching television, going to bed and then waking up and doing it all over are really just a charade in the big scheme of things and that our lives are actually just a necessary thread in a flamboyantly queer sweater known as our universe… then why, why, why would the aliens not just set up a press conference and invite CNN, Fox-News, MSNBC, and Nickelodeon to bring their cameras, so that the truth can finally be told to the people.  I don’t get it.  Why would they continue to manufacture the lies of religion?  Why on Earth or should I say, why in the fucking cosmos, would they want law-abiding citizens throwing money into the religion-machine?  These mysteries make no sense.

This is really beginning to piss me off that I have to go to a bunch of websites with no credibility what-so-ever or buy books that are never promoted on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, to get the latest hottest scoop on extraterrestrial control mongers.  I think its time for people in the media to take a stand and start covering something worth a damn instead of all of this war on terror bologna.  We need to start sending money to the people who are in control so that they can put a stop to this travesty.  I’m making out my check to Miramax right now so that the Weinstein’s of the world can start producing movies that matter.  What we really need is a film that gets people caring.  Something done in the same vein as the hit “300” that gets audiences excited about knowing the truth about the universe, rather than the Namibian baby that Derek Jeter and Britney Spears just adopted together.

I for one will not be wasting my weekend off doing trivial bullshit.  I won’t be listening to music that I like or watching the Phoenix Suns host the Dallas Mavericks in a playoff preview.  I certainly won’t be found studying for an exam on nutrition science or laying around on the couch drinking beer.  I’ll be doing something important, I’ll be spreading the word on the secrets that nobody seems to care about.  I’ll be contacting my local cable company about setting up a live telethon in order to raise enough money to get a movie made about the dangers of Really Evil Teams of Alien Races Determined to Eradicate Dumb-asses.  First I’ll need help from somebody, in taking the first letters of all of the important words in that cause: R,E,T,A,R,D,E,D, and rearranging them into a clever acronym that everybody can remember while also sort of representing the organization hopefully.  Until then we can just leave the letters unorganized.  Now come on people who is with me?  Who else wants to bring the truth to a bunch of people who sort of care about the truth?  Come on people, awareness of aliens is the first step to ruining aliens’ shit.  And that’s exactly what I intend to do.  Ruin the aliens’ shit.  Tell your friends to join my organization, tentatively titled: R.E.T.A.R.D.E.D.  Just look at the ambitious goals I am looking at.

Stuff for R.E.T.A.R.D.E.D. organization to do:

1. Get a movie made about learning the truth about aliens.
2. Get those memory flash things from the Men in Black movies and put them all in a shopping cart or something and roll that shopping cart off a cliff into a bunch of water.  (I doubt they are water resistant.)
3. Make sweet bumper stickers and t-shirts.
4. Get Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame
5. Ruin shit of all alien life forms.  Except for Space Alien’s Bar and Grill, that place kicks ass.

This is a call to arms people.  I can’t do it alone.  No one person can do it alone.  Only WE AS A PEOPLE  CAN DO IT ALONE!!!

Update:  I think I was abducted.  I don't remember writing any of this.  Spooky.