God and Me
by Matt Brooks

Just the other day I was sitting quietly by the fireplace, father had just put on the Yule log we forgot to use last Christmas, and it got me thinking.  Does god exist?  If so why would he care about the individual instead of society as a whole, I mean he may be a supreme being, but why would he care about YOU and make sure YOU are taken care of?  What about the starving people in third world countries?  Why are YOU more important then they are?  What makes Christianity so special, why not Buddhism?   The questions were endless, they wouldn't stop coming to me.  Just as I reached for my fathers gun they ceased and I was given what seemed like answers.  Maybe God doesn't care.  Maybe God has other supreme beings to hang out with.  Maybe we are just like a giant game of The Sims and God got tired of finding ways to kill us, and left us to find ways ourselves.  Or maybe He just doesn't exist at all.  Or maybe, and this is my favorite answer, maybe God is just like a regular guy with super powers, with all the faults that would come with being Human.  He likes porn and making fun of people, He likes to blow stuff up and watch people beat the shit out of each other.   And this is the basis for my new history of the world in which God ruled, if he did at all.

In the beginning God was like anyone with a new job, or more specifically a person who just became a fifth grade teacher.  He didn't know exactly what needed to be done.  At first all the kids were running with scissors and eating glue.  After a few days he came to realize that occasional punishments and rewards were needed.  So, He decided to first setup punishments. For instance, if one group of kids tried to enslave another group of kids he would set fire to the first group and murder their families.  You know, normal fifth grade teacher stuff.  So as the years went by and the students were becoming easier and easier to keep in line he held a special assembly.  Ronald McDonald came to visit them and told them all the secrets of leading a good life, the three R's: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  Unfortunately there was an outcry of disapproval from some of the sixth graders.  Ronald was nailed to a cross and from then on was remembered as the savior of the people.

As most teachers do God went insane after several centuries, he realized that he was working a dead end job that would end in some cheesy ceremony where he would eat lots of cake and maybe get a watch, however at the rate he was going it was probably going to be some cheap plaque that, because it was a plaque, made it seem more special, but in actuality it only cost about ten dollars where the watch would have cost upwards of fifty.  So God went nuts, there were several huge clashes between students, and then the whole school was in an uproar.  God decided that it was his time and he left, well, ran screaming to some forest, where he lives a hermits life, eating berries and trying to protect the animals that all of us have so selfishly chosen as our food, pets and slaves.

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