"Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it."
-Coach McGuirk

Coach Jon McGuirk is a character from the ultra-popular animated show Home Movies, which ran on UPN and Cartoon Network for four seasons.  He is voiced by H. Jon Benjamin.

Coach McGuirk is the soccer coach for the elementary school.  He is a large, overweight man who enjoys his food and his alcohol.  He is constantly getting into trouble with the law, or making horrible decisions, or giving out very bad advice to his players.  He is cynical, angry, slightly depressed, and bitter. 

"Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I'm eating that there's about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever's on the TV, whatever's in the paper. Then I walk outside and it'll be a nice day. Well that's great that's a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I... you apparently can't play music after 6:00 pm... in this country."
          -Coach McGuirk

Jon lives alone.  He is 38 years old and is barely making ends meet.  The question that comes to viewers’ minds is how is he does it.  They pay him enough to be a soccer coach? 

Coach McGuirk: [drunk] You wanna know something? *Anyone* can become a soccer coach. Like, they don't regulate. Like you have to get a degree, right? So you're qualified.
Nurse Kirkman: Yes... I do have a degree.
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, I'm not. You can become coach, of a sport that you don't care about, you don't know how to play, you're not good with kids. But I have had the job for three years. You'd think that they would check up but they don't.

Despite his seemingly low income, he regularly makes purchases without thinking them through, usually when drunk.  The best and probably most remembered of these are his swords.

"Spaghetti time."

-Coach McGuirk

McGuirk is socially awkward around women.  He lies and manipulates (or at least, tries to) in order to get a date.  More often than not, this fails.

He tries to take advantage of any situation that comes his way, and this usually backfires. 

He enjoys the company of Brendon, Jason, and Melissa, but otherwise he hates kids. 

The advice he hands out is terrible.

Brendon: Coach, do you think I'm stupid?
Coach McGuirk: Of course you're stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.

Coach McGuirk: There's a tornado coming. So I'm gonna stay down here with the baby, you guys go upstairs and play.
Melissa: Shouldn't we stay down here with you?
Coach McGuirk: No, it's not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado, Melissa.
Melissa: But I thought you're supposed to go together.
Coach McGuirk: No! The rule is, Melissa, you separate.
Melissa: Are you sure?
Coach McGuirk: Yeah. If you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated it's just like a fun ride. But if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other, then your heads collide and you die.

Coach McGuirk: Melissa, get in there and replace Jeannine.
Melissa: Coach, my arm's broken, remember?
Coach McGuirk: Your *arm* is protected by a cast. It's safer than it was before, now get in there.

Coach Jon McGuirk is ignorant, selfish, and spiteful.  He gives bad advice whether it is asked for or not.  He tries to take the short track to easy money.  He is unhealthy.  He is hateful.  He lives only for the moment, never thinking to the future.  He is incredibly sarcastic and will always say what is on his mind.  One might say he has no redeeming qualities.

Coach McGuirk is what we would all be without self control. 

He is a poster boy for nihilism, cynicism, mysanthropy, pessimism, and anomie.  He is Maslow’s Hierarchy at only the base. 

But he is also hope. 

Despite all his shortcomings, despite all his negative characteristics, he is a father figure to Brendon, Jason, and Melissa.  He tries to help them out in his own way.  The advice he gives is what he thinks is right.  He acts in their movies.  He drives them around.  He talks to them as if they are adults.  He cares about them.  Each has different problems at home, and he is there for them.  Apart from each other, he is their best friend.

McGuirk is hope that, no matter how little self control one has, one will reach out and help their friends.  He is hope that friendship is a thing that can transcend all barriers.  He is hope that self control can be applied by anyone, even those at the very bottom. 

Also, he’s an awesome comedic device.

StretPharmacist is a lot like the Undertaker:  A gimmick that should have never gotten over, but was taken to unbelievable heights.  Also, he is constantly injured.