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Hatometer (Part One)
By: Alex Anderson

Come, sit around in a circle.  No, this isn't gray-duck, although that would be decidedly more entertaining.  Instead this is a self-help article of sorts.  As of writing, I have no idea where it will take me.  I will state a certain clouded goal however and that is that in writing I will be able to help myself.  Helping other people would be great, but at this point its something that I need personally more than anything else.  My predicament is simple: I have a head, on which top I have an ugly mound of hair, yet cutting said hair only reveals an ugly shaped head, and so the solution of getting a hat seems to hurl itself at me.

Now, it is true that I have a hat and I've worn it to the point that its now on par with the shape of my head and my mound of hair as far as ugliness is concerned.  This hat I wear has done me well for the most part.  It shades my pasty hot face from a vicious sun and shields my hair from others' sight.  But alas, my hat will soon no doubt expire and I will be faced with the always tough decision of what hat to buy next.  For me, this is big.  Real big.  Its one of those purchases that you actually feel bound to in the way that getting it wrong could be a huge embarrassment.  Its understandable I think; nobody wants the mistake of buying a house 5 yards from a river or dream car with no engine in it.  Now, is a hat on par with houses and cars?  No, that was a stupid question, moron.  But at the same time, my money is as important to me as it is to anyone and a hat, at least for me, can be as ubiquitous a mainstay on my head as are the shoes on my feet.  Besides, what is the quote, something like,

"You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes, where they bin where they goin." - Forrest Gump (fictional retard).

Now just imagine, if the word 'shoes' was replaced with the word 'hat' it would make complete sense with the point that I'm trying to make.  Enough hogwash, time to rev up the hatometer!

1. Balaclava According to trusted sources (Wikipedia) this is the term for what most normal people would call a ski-mask.  I'm not entirely against the balaclava on the grounds that I live in Fargo, ND - but as far as fashion statements go this one doesn't end with an exclamation point - more an ellipsis really.  Despite my strong affinity for ellipses I find this a turn-off.  So first of all it wouldn't be good for the weather all of the time, which sucks, I need something with versatility.  Second of all it would make me the prime suspect in any number of bank robberies and general gunpoint stickups.  Thirdly, as already stated, I want something with a little flare, something that might garner some positive reinforcement or attention.

Historical reference points for the coolness/lack-there-of factor:

The foot ninjas from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies were never people I looked up to.  They weren't especially smart and often resorted to thievery, thus bringing shame to the honor of the ninja code.  Or something.

Alright, alright.  Now this is a little better.  I've come to hate Jackie Chan despite the fact that "First Strike" is probably in the top 7 best movies of all time, so emulating a bad guy in a bit role might not be horrible.  Mmm - pass.

Conclusion: If I want to be mistaken for bandit I'll opt for pantyhose, at least that can keep my ears warm while still allowing me face skin to get a little air.

Hatometer reading: 12

2. Fedora The fedora is a cranial accessory that is too cool for school.  It beat up kids in grade school and got expelled from junior high for throwing a tantrum in the cafeteria and making a mockery of the principal, then it showed up in high school  for a few months after a long hiatus in juvie only to impregnate that one girl that everyone thought they had a chance with.  Last anyone saw of it was the "cigarette incident" as its now become infamously known as.  Few were there when it happened but those who were will have stories to tell for the rest of their lives and vivid snapshot memories that will haunt them in their sheets like Vietnam flashbacks.  On the plus side, the fedora is sweet looking, there's no arguing that, its just plain fact.  On the downside however, its become a sort of pop culture mainstay that makes cool people look cooler, uncool people look like pretenders, and pimps look all the more guilty of their passion: pimping.  Unfortunately, I have a suspicion that I'd fall into that second category.  Damn.

Historical reference points for the coolness/lack-there-of factor:

Hmm, guess which category of the 3 that Justin Timberdork falls into.  Oops!  I hope I didn't give it away just by typing his last name.  Sadly, as clear as it is to everyone else that he's a moron, he's equally disillusioned in the opposite manner.  Seriously, way to ruin a good thing.

Michael Jackson when he was less creepy, more awesome.  Cool as it is though, it still can't undo what Timberdork to the left has done.  The coolness factor is climbing out of the sewer though and it could get interesting.  Here's to the smooth criminal in all of us.

Johnny Depp.  Obviously, the hat is officially out of the gutter with this boost.  Yet, it should also be noted that Depp makes everything look cool.  Look at those glasses for instance; counting him that's 2 people that can pull off those glasses anytime any day.  The other?  Sally Jesse Raphael.

Nice.  That's really all I have to say.  Clearly this can be chalked up to the awesomeness factor of the fedora.  Although, if I were to ever wear a solid black fedora it would then have to be complemented by those old fashioned skinny ties they have.  Without, it would just be lacking.

Other honorable mentions:  Chip from Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers; Indiana Jones; Carmen Sandiego; and my personal favorite Jake Gittes

Conclusion:  That hat itself is cooler than cool, but I've got to be realistic here.  I don't carry a cane, wear cool skinny ties, or have world famous chiseled cheekbones: I just can't pull it off.

Hatometer reading: 309

STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO THIS ARTICLE TO BE PUT UP APPROXIMATELY A MONTH FROM NOW!!!