Mini-Stories Turn Up Common Results: I Hate Stupid Fags
by Alex Anderson

Some how, some way, I forge ahead knowing that people will come to a complete stop before turning, and that they will drive side by side on one-way streets at a pace well below the marked speed limit.  I press onward knowing full well that teachers will make me read nonsense fictional bullshit, and that they will require me to go to retarded school assemblies.  I continue throughout my worthless shitty life, as an ugly dumb-ass, destined to die of a heart attack while jerking off to a JC-Penny's bra ad.  I'm an amazing man really; learning to live with all the preceding bullshit.  It seems I have a talent for putting up with crap, however, I have managed to identify one weakness, my Achilles' heel, if you will.  Fags.  Nothing pisses me off more than a stupid fag who... well, you'll see how they piss me off in my mini-stories.

Wrestling Fags!

I work at an A&W restaurant here in Fargo.  Yup, that's right, Fargo ND, home of the Fargodome, and subsequently home of the "Junior National Championships Wrestling and Cadet, blah, blah, blah."

Green Star = A&W     Red Star = Fargodome

One might notice that these two places are in close proximity to one-another.

Anyway, this event is quite the attraction, as it pulls in a shitload of dough for local businesses.  Like A&W.  Now, A&W hands out nice frosty glass mugs with every order, these mugs are returned at the end of a customer's dining session, at least they are supposed to be.  Apparently the year before I began working at there, wrestlers stole 400 dollars worth of mugs during a week stay in Fargo.  When I heard this I fell into a complete state of shock, because I cared so much about retarded mugs.  Yah right.  But I nodded my head and told my manager that I wouldn't allow that to happen this year.

A few days came and went, and before I knew what hit me there were posses of queerbags coming in one after the other.  I took their orders as I would take anyone else's orders, accept when it came time to hand them their drink, I didn't give them a mug, I instead gave them a paper cup.  Some people were fine with that, while still others were insistent that it was their God-given American right to have a frosty mug like normal customers.  I told these buttfucks the story of the 400 dollars in lost mugs to shut them up.  Most did, but others were still angered, and insisted they get a mug.  I would tell these people that if they really wanted a mug, they could give me some sort of collateral in turn for the mug, and then we could trade back when they're done eating.  A small few said "Okay" and handed me their I.D., but the majority gave me a puzzled lip-curled look that seemed to scream, "I'm a stupid wrestling fag."  Whenever I saw this look, every inch of my body would fill with rage, and I would imagine them sitting around in a dorm somewhere, with one saying, "I mugged them.... get it" and they'd all do the lip curl and laugh their tiny penises off.  Stupid fags.

"How come I don't get a mug?   ...   Duh! What's collateral?"

Cool T-Shirt Fags!

Man, have you seen some of the shirts out there these days?!?!  They're so funny!  Like that one line of shirts, that says "How to... Whatever"  where "Whatever" is something very cliché or better yet, something just plain old fucking retarded.  Anyway, what really makes these shirts so funny, and cool is how they use stick figures to represent people.  THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!  They also have other cool things as well, like three squares across the top-middle of the shirt.  Oh man, it's really cool!  For fuck-sake, this one kid at my school wears these dumb shirts constantly.  One day it's "How to avoid getting a job" the next day it's "How to spot a loner."  What kind of advice is this?  Fuck you.  These shirts aren't funny, and they're even less clever.

But, as much as I hate to admit it.  These shirts were strokes of brilliance on the canvas of life.  - What the fuck did I just say? -  Anyway, the people who made the first ones, whether by pure accident or genius design, tapped into a great source.  There is a whole new generation of dorks.  They are the kids of nerdy computer programmers and what have you.  They also are nerds, and they are ugly as shit.  How is one to fit in, while being completely void of personality, looks, or... looks?  Well, the answer is simple.  "Funny" shirts.  That's right, rich fags with Daddy's computer engineering paycheck, have filled their closets with shirts that they hope will strike up conversation.  I, being the entrepreneurial whiz-kid I am, tapped this gold-mine the second I got the chance.  And I now have my own shirts, that I hope will strike up conversation for queers nation-wide, and more importantly, actually give good advice... unlike some of those other shirts.  But seriously, take off this gay-wad clothing you fucking queers.

How To Be A Complete Fucking Faggot

 
It's just a prototype, but it's coming along pretty well I'd say.

I Am Very Shady, and Mysterious, I'm also a Sodomite!

I know this one kid at school.  His name is John Smith.  (Hint: Name has been changed to protect the innocent, or maybe not so innocent (Hint: That was foreshadowing)).  He used to be an OK kid.  He's always been the type to do all of his homework, be in clubs, and help out at the church.  I didn't mind this dill hole one bit.  But he wasn't making enough friends with his current lifestyle, so he decided to change it.  He started smoking weed, and drinking beer to be cool.  However, in addition to the fact that these things couldn't make you cool in the first place, there was another problem.  He wasn't actually doing those things.  He was just saying he was, to be cool.  What a fucking queer.  I saw this kid the other day, when he sat right next to me at lunch.  I started to publicly ridicule him for being stupid, and I emphasized how much I hated him.  Was it mean? Yes.  Was it necessary?  Probably not.  Did I help the kid?  I hope so.  Are the questions pissing you off?  If you have any decency in your body, they are.  Anyway, this child needs help.  Being shady and even worse, pretending to be shady, is just stupid, and while it pains me to call him a fag, because I'm so close to the situation, I feel obligated to.  He must realize that pretending to smoke bowls at Snoop Dog concerts isn't cool.  So come on, be a good neighbor and help a fellow fag be less faggoty, or shit on their lawn.

Conclusion:

Fuck the conclusion.  I'm tired.

Mini-Story Recap

You know, I was going to say fuck the recap too, but then I remembered that I coined the term, "faggoty" in this article.  So that's about all for the recap.

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