:: Articles ::

Twins Are Sturdy Like A Bridge... Oops
By: Alex Anderson

How come when a starting pitcher has been sucking ass all game and the 6^th inning rolls around and somehow because the defense behind them was superb and the balls being absolutely crushed off the opposing team’s bats were, by chance hit right to people, Ron Gardenhire leaves the bastard in the game with a high pitch count on the grounds that his bullpen needs rest?

Or perhaps, a more appropriate first question would then be, how come when a pitcher, say like just for hypothetical purposes, Carlos Silva on August 11, 2007 has been pitching an absolute fucking gem of a 2-hitter through 7 innings of work with only 88 pitches registered to the count, gets taken out of the game, so that the “overworked” bullpen can finish it off for him?  On a similar strain, why does the ESPN.com recap of this game have the title, “Angels' Lackey bests Twins' Silva,” when in actuality Silva pitched a better game (for the time he was in there) than did Lackey, who gave up 2 earned runs to Silva’s 0?  Furthermore, why does everyone keep talking about how surprising it is that Pat Neshek ended up blowing the game?  Sure, I’m a little surprised, the guy is awesome, but bad managing produces bad games.  If Carlos Silva gets left in, like he should have been, and ends up losing, then that’s a tough loss, and you might second guess whether or not going to the steady bullpen was the right answer, because second guessing is as natural of a thing that there is.  But the fact is, there was a right move and a superstition-based move in this situation; obviously, Gardenhire opted to go with his jolly ol’ gut, rather than stay with what was working, walliteration.  Some people may say that I’m crazy, because Neshek and Nathan have been lights out all year.  How dare I question that call to the bullpen?  My problem is that, I was yelling at the screen before anything bad happened.  I was pissed even before Neshek gave up a run.  I was saying, “What, why is Carlos Silva getting his hand shaken by Ron Gardenhire when he hasn’t completed the shutout yet?”  Even after the call to the bullpen was made, I figured the Twins would win, hell, I might even go as far to say that I was more sure they would win – but just stop right there – if I’m more sure they will win after this move, then isn’t it the right move?  NO!  The right move, is that you go to your bullpen when the starting pitcher is gassed, when the starting pitcher is in trouble, or when a special situation calls for it.  This was not one of those situations.  This was a pitcher dominating and being pulled, while the other team secretly celebrates, knowing that they might have better luck against a guy who throws differently (albeit, usually a lot better than Silva).

Also, I know that Boof Bonser has a cool name and all and that people really want him to stay with the team all year, because he was here since spring training, but I’m sorry this guy needs a trip to the minors.  He continues to suck, despite striking out nearly a person per inning.  As of August 14^th, the only other person with 100 strikeouts or more in the American League with a higher ERA than Boof (4.77) is Daniel Cabrera (5.14) of the Orioles.  This guy has a nice fastball with an amazing curveball and yet he continues to slobber all over the drinking fountain like a fucking retarded 3^rd grader.  Nobody wants slobber on the fountain Boof.  Nobody.

Now, let’s talk people who just don’t get it.  The Twins are doing horrible right now and yes, that doesn’t make for very entertaining games for fans.  But when people say that the Twins need a big change, they are being stupid.  The only thing that the Twins need to do is play better baseball.  One could say this for any team, I suppose, but with any other team it would probably be very much less true.  The fact is, the Twins are good enough right now to make the playoffs and yes, even to win the World Series.  That’s right.  With the same talent they have on the field now, they can do it.  All they have to do, is stop sucking.  I heard an interesting stat last night or the night before or something.  The Twin’s have more homeruns than do the L.A. Angels.  That’s right, the same Angels that have the 2^nd best record in all the majors.  MORE!  Don’t tell me, we need more power.  Don’t fucking tell me it.  The problem with the Twins, in my opinion, is that they are the most overrated small-ball team in history.  People are so damn used to saying how good the Twins are at bunting, the hit and run, stolen bases, etc that now they just say it out of habit.  Unfortunately, for anyone following as closely as I am, this has been proven to be myth.  Urban fuck legend.  Untrue.  Ripley’s ‘or not’.  Myth again.  The Twins cannot bunt worth a shit.  I’d look up a stat, but I don’t feel like it.

Starting new paragraph, even though I’m gonna be talking mostly about the same thing.  The other thing that is hurting the Twins is that NOBODY can do anything.  NOBODY.  The batting champ is hovering around .300 and the MVP is in not only a HR drought, but a RBI drought.  THAT DOESN”T HAPPEN TO THE MVP.  Except it does.  And when it does, your team will suck.  See, the Twins could have everybody that people on talk radio have said they should have at third base or second or in left field or whatever and if the MVP, “is in a 5-for-35 rut with no RBIs in his last 12 games,” you just won’t win many, especially in a tough division.

“Duh, ever since you traded away Luis “plastic knees” Castillo the team hasn’t been the same.”

JUST STOP IT.  I’m not even convinced that moving Castillo and brining up Alexi was a downgrade.  Alexi’s superior range in the field is so clear it’s almost sickening how nobody seemed to notice the number of balls Castillo wasn’t getting too.  And by the way, when Alexi has more errors than Castillo it will be because he touches the ball more often, more so than his defensive shortcomings. --- I would like to say that Castillo will be missed and he was awesome, but we’re bracing for a Santana deal that will break every bank in the tri-state area, and as such, it was the smart move regardless of popularity.

I’m finally to the fiscal part of my article and am getting a bit lazy.  I’ll try to make it short and sweet.

Prospects = Good Young Players = Good Money (Cheap) = Twins Can Have On Team

Developed Superstars = Good Less Young Players = Bad Money (Expensive) = Twins Can Only Have Some On Team

Trading Bad Money = More Prospects = More Room for Developed Superstars = Vicious Cycle

See those equations explain everything perfectly.

Now here is the question I pose.  Will the Minnesota Twins have 3 times as many runs scored at the end of this year as the Minnesota Vikings will have points at the end of their 2007 campaign?  Let the betting begin.