Bags and Boards: A Look Into Comics is a monthly column from long time comic book fan Jaybird.  Each month, Bags and Boards brings to you comic book commentary, opinion, and reviews.

Jeph Loeb sucks at writing.  Rob Liefeld sucks at drawing.  With their powers combined, they create one of the worst comics I've read in years: Onslaught Reborn.  In one 5-issue mini-series, Loeb and Liefeld manage to ignore all rules of logic and good storytelling to create one giant stinking pile of crap.

Then why, you may ask, did I even buy this?  How could you have ever believed these two hacks could produce a decent comic?  Why, for the love of God, didn't you see this coming?  Well, I sort of did, but Onslaught holds a special place in my heart.  I hoped that, even with the combined duo of Loeb and Liefeld, the comic wouldn't suck.  I was wrong.  DEAD WRONG.

Quick history lesson:  Onslaught is both a character and a story produced by Marvel in 1996.  Onslaught, the character, is a villain that arose from the combined minds of Professor X and Magneto.  Instead of giving him a cool name like Magnet X or Professoreto, they decided to simply name him Onslaught.  Go figure.

Onslaught, the story, was a line wide event crossing through nearly every title.  Onslaught was basically the ultimate baddie.  He had the mind of Professor X and the will of Magneto.  He reactivated the Sentinels, took out the X-Men, abducted powerful heroes, took over New York, etc., etc.  He had a plan and he couldn't be stopped.  His eventual downfall came from the Hulk going super ragey on him, cracking his shell and turning him into pure energy.  Then, most of the non-mutant heroes (Fantastic Four, Avengers, other misc. folks) sacrificed themselves to destroy Onslaught.  They entered the energy that was Onslaught, to provide it with some mass, and the X-Men blasted them to oblivion, along with Onslaught.

As a kid, I ate this up.  Looking back on it, and typing up the plot, it may not have been as good as it seemed.  At the time though, it was awesome.  In fact, the final comic, Onslaught: Marvel Universe, is probably my favorite childhood comic.

Anyways, as you may have guessed (or not), the heroes didn't really die and were instead tucked away into a "pocket universe" created by Franklin Richards, son of Reed and Sue of the Fantastic Four.  In the real world, this meant that four comic titles, Avengers, Fantastic Four, Captain America, and Iron Man, in a crazy move to boost sales, were licensed out to other studios for the next year.  The titles were rebooted with new #1 issues and new origins.  They were head-up by Jim Lee (awesome artist) and Rob Liefeld (see above).

I won't go into many details, as there ended up being contract disputes (see: Liefeld sucks) and other craziness.  After the year was up, the heroes rejoined the normal Marvel universe and the "pocket universe" was mostly forgotten.

Until now.

Or I guess not until 2006, when Loeb and Liefeld got the idea to resurrect Onslaught and go back to the "pocket universe" for one final adventure.  How and why they were doing this was beyond me, but I had to read it.  Even if it was by Loeb and Liefeld, I wanted to watch.  Sadly, I watched a train wreck of delays, crappy art, and terrible story.

I could go into an extensive panel-by-panel critique of why the comic was so horrible, but I don't think that is needed.  And I really don't want to.  Just flipping through this series again as a refresher for this article was torture enough.  Instead, I'll just highlight some of the huge problems with this series.

1. The premise of the story contradicts all past and current continuity.  By a lot.  I'm usually not a continuity stickler.  It's impossible, and probably stupid, to make every single fact of every comic line up perfectly.  Mistakes happen and you have to overlook them.  Onslaught Reborn's mistakes, on the other hand, are flat out stupid.

For example, the whole reason Onslaught is "reborn" is due to him being created by the mutant powers left over from House of M (if you are at all interested by what that means, see my House of M recap).  The only problem with that though, is that those powers were already used for the creation of another character by Brian Michael Bendis.  And it isn't like Bendis just snuck in first and used it off-handedly.  This character, the Collective, was already firmly established in Bendis's and others comics before Onslaught Reborn was even conceived.  Yet, something like that wouldn't stop Loeb.  When has it ever before?

As terrible of an explanation as that is, another continuity hole that really makes no sense at all is just around the corner.  When Onslaught returns (and then somehow manages to get into the "pocket universe" by following Franklin) the heroes of the "pocket universe" are all there ready to fight.  Now, that may seem obvious, except for the fact that they already returned to the regular Marvel universe.  But instead, we now have another, new set of heroes there as if they never left.  It is like they time traveled back to 1996.  In fact, that would have made more sense.  Why didn't they just do that?  Stupid Jeph Loeb.  It as if Jeph Loeb just didn't do any research before writing the series.  In fact, I'd bet money that he doesn't ever research anything.  Ever.

(As a quick Jeph Loeb aside, he was recently fired from the show Heroes.  I hope this will begin his downfall into obscurity instead of his current "superstar" status.)

2. The art is god awful.  I knew it would be going in, but Jesus it's bad.  I always like to think that good writing can outweigh bad art, but bad writing just makes the art seem even worse.  It's Liefeld at his best, which is wretched.  Here are a couple examples that are stand-out terrible from the first few pages:

Franklin Richards's body (w/gun floating in hand) being contorted in inhuman ways.
Also note the great dialogue.

The Human Torch (w/ tight ass) has sex with The Thing.  Yes, it is quite the revoltin' development.

3. Onslaught acts more like The Hulk than Onslaught.  Instead of being the mastermind of old, he runs around attacking people, often inhabiting their bodies.  Which, of course, is completely made-up.  At least, we've never seen Onslaught just pop in and out of peoples bodies so abundantly before.  He does have the powers of Professor X, so he could conceivably control their actions, but if it was that easy, why doesn't he just jump inside all of them at once?  Why doesn't he just have each one commit suicide?  Because Loeb is a bad writer, that's why.

4. The "revelation" that Hawkeye is actually Wolverine makes no sense.  Seriously, none at all.  You see, apparently in the "pocket universe" Hawkeye's identity was a mystery.  Although he looks exactly like Wolverine except you can't see his mouth.  Which of course, makes no sense.  Why would Wolverine be in this world?  No reason.  How did he get there?  Who cares.  The only explanation given is by Wolverine himself, when asked by Onslaught.  It goes like this: "You?! But... There are no mutants on this world...!" to which Wolverine responds, "Tell that to the Scarlet Witch, bub."  Did I mention Loeb is a bad writer?

5. Onslaught is defeated by getting beat up a lot and tossed into the Negative Zone.  Sure, it took the combined power of all of Earth's Heroes to defeat Onslaught before, but now all it takes is some punching and kicking down a hallway and he's a goner.  I'm overwhelmed with joy.

6. The shocking ending!!!11  So yeah, in the "pocket universe" Captain America's sidekick is a female Bucky.  At the end of Onslaught Reborn, she dies... OR DOES SHE!?!?!  Nope, she is somehow brought into the real Marvel universe, only to find that Captain America has died (that happened around the time this was published).  OH MAN WHAT SHATTERING CONSEQUENCES THERE WILL BE!!11  Except that no one cares, and no one will ever care, and she will be forgotten about, and already has.  Because, as is the theme of this entire series, it doesn't make sense.

I honestly don't know how this series was 5-issues long, but it certainly followed what I call the "Loeb-ian" style of writing.  Ignore all continuity.  Gather up every hero you can find no matter what.  Mix together all the villains.  Have them fight.  And make sure to say, "Nothing will ever be the same again!"  Thanks Jeph Loeb, for taking a big poo on my childhood nostalgia.

And Rob Liefeld still sucks too.

This Month's Recommendation: The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman

After that rant I'm glad to get to something that I actually enjoy: Robert Kirkman's ongoing series, The Walking Dead.

Now, Zombie-mania is running wild, so you may roll your eyes upon first glance and think, "Ugh, more zombies."  Yet, where other comics/books/movies are jumping on the bandwagon, this comic book is in the driver's seat.

The Walking Dead appeared in 2003 from Image as the little black-and-white horror comic that could.  Now it is a smash hit and for good reason.

The story follows Rick Grimes and company through an post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies.  In the same fashion that often differentiates good zombie stories from bad, The Walking Dead is a character centered piece, often leaving the zombies in the background.  The story is just as much about survival among humans as it is among zombies.  How do you raise children?  How do you love?  What is right and wrong?  How do people react on the brink of annihilation?

That is not to say there isn't plenty of zombie goriness.  This comic is not for the weak of heart.  It is most definitely a "mature" comic book.  There are scenes that will turn your stomach.  Not just what zombies do to people, but people to zombies, and people to people.  A common reaction of mine after reading a volume is to put it down, stare at it, and say, "That was fucked up.  I must have more."

Of all the series I'm reading through trade paperbacks, this is the only one in which I've "caught up" in the publishing schedule.  I now have to wait for each new volume to be published before I can read it.  That's how much I enjoy this comic.

Through 50+ issues there are certainly ups and downs when it comes to story, but the downs are merely a slower pace while the ups are dramatic, intense, and action-packed.  If you are at all into horror, zombies, comics, or any combination of the three, pick up the first volume (you can find it for less than $10) and I bet you'll be hooked.  I know I was.

Jaybird currently resides in Seattle where he reads comics, works in a library, and writes for this site.  He has also been known to blow your mind, rock your world, and eat pizza.