News That Sucks. Phrasal noun. 1. News that should not be news.  2. News that is bad news, in the sense that it is poorly written, poorly reported, or untrue.  3. News so ridiculous it makes you shake your head in sadness and ponder why such things exist.

Terrorist fist bump?  Nope.  Something catastrophically worse!  Stop the internet equivalent of the presses!  President Obama bumps his head!

It is one of those news stories that you just can't believe you are reading.  Something so stupid, so pointless, that you really start to question reality as you know it.  Is this really happening?  Has someone actually reported this story?  Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, say it ain't so.

It is so.

Let me go through what happened as I read about Obama bumping his head:

I am really bored at work and head over to CNN.com.  (I pretty much only visit CNN.com now so I can cry myself to sleep that evening.)

I see the headline "Obama bumps his head."  I think, "This can't be what I think it is."  I click the link.

I read the first line, "There was a minor bump on the road — actually a minor bump on the head — as President Barack Obama departed Monday for Elkhart, Indiana to sell his stimulus plan to Americans."  The left side of my body goes numb.

I confirm that I am not on The Onion.  Confirmation received that I am indeed still on CNN.com.  My head implodes.

I continue reading with what is left of my head, "While boarding Marine One on Monday morning, the president turned to wave goodbye and ever so slightly bumped the left side of his head on the doorway to the helicopter. He seemed to recover quickly, then ducked before boarding the helicopter that would take him to Air Force One."  My beliefs about the world begin to crumble.

"Unfortunately for Obama, there were many cameras there to capture the accident."  Such as CNN's.  ZING~!

I wonder how this can go on.  How can this continue.  "This isn’t the first time a president’s head has collided with Marine One: President George W. Bush hit his head on the side of the helicopter while boarding shortly after taking office — also in full view of a row of cameras."  I now know there is no God.

"Luckily for both men, no visible signs of injury resulted from the minor mishap."  I breathe a sigh of relief.  But only because the article is over.

BUT WAIT!  There is raw video of the incident!  I know that my life will not be complete without it.  I must watch.

Twenty second commercial... come on come on hurry!... here we go here we go here we go... ok... he's walking... walking... fifteen seconds... walking... twenty five seconds... oh my God I see Marine One... still walking... he's going up the steps!... thirty five seconds... he's turning to wave... here it comes... any... second... forty seconds... OMG IT JUST HAPPENED RIGHT THERE!!!!!111  My life is now complete.

I don't even know how to continue.  I sit here, staring at the screen, trying to say something, anything more about this piece of "news" but nothing is coming out (except explanations of nothing coming out).  My mind has gone blank from how moronic this is.  I mean seriously.  Who posted this on CNN.com?  Do they not have some sort of accountability here for what is going up on their site?  Are you telling me, that there was no one who saw this and had the sense to say, "No, this is not worth our time," because if not... huff.

I hate the news.

Jaybird currently resides in Seattle where he reads comics, works in a library, and writes for this site.  He has also been known to blow your mind, rock your world, and eat pizza.