News That Sucks. Phrasal noun. 1. News that should not be news.  2. News that is bad news, in the sense that it is poorly written, reported, or untrue.  3. News so ridiculous it makes you shake your head in sadness and ponder why such things exist.

For weeks now a maniac has been loose on the streets around SeaTac Airport International.  But mercifully the menace has finally been caught.  I can again sleep soundly at night.  No longer will I be awoken by the terrible dreams caused by that man.  What was he doing you may ask?  He was doing the terrible, the horrible, the unthinkable.  He was... was... SHINING LASERS AT AIRPLANES!

Thanks to the crack work by the Port of Seattle, the man is now sitting in jail with a $100,000 bond on his head.  He was a public menace I tell you!  Just listen to this eyewitness report that helped lead to this man's arrest:

"One of the people at the house said he told the suspect to stop pointing the laser at some horses nearby."

That bastard!  I think we all know what happens when you spook horses.  But no, it didn't stop there.  His full madness had not yet been realized.  His thirst for terror was not yet quenched!  For his next act, he decided to unleash his reign of fury on our airlines!

"Most of those reports involved green lasers, which are regarded as more powerful."

Son of a bitch!  He went right to the all powerful green lasers!  No pathetic red waves for this psycho!  This guy is certifiable!  And on just a single day, "...dozen[s] [of] planes landing at Sea-Tac reported being lasered."

But you see, God was looking out for us that day and the weeks that followed, as not a single plane was affected in any shape or form, other than being lasered.  But don't you see, this man broke the law!

"Shining lasers at airplanes, police officers, firefighters and bus drivers is a Class C felony in Washington State."

Not to mention he pretty much hates all life on this planet!

"'I just can't believe someone would actually want to hurt someone on the planes. They could just crash,' said neighbor Joe Rice."

God bless you Joe Rice for standing up to your neighbor after he was already arrested.

And while I may again be able to rest easy, I've still got this feeling, just a little one, in the back of my head.  While we may have caught the culprit, the war might not be over.  There are obviously sympathizers who must also be taken down and captured.  There are people who will stop at nothing to unlawfully discharge lasers at our precious airplanes.  And I know who our first target must be.  A "family-member" named Maria, who had this to say:

"He's a good guy. He takes care of his business. But this, I want to say, is blown out of proportion."

He takes care of business?  This whole thing has been blown out of proportion.  This woman's mind is obviously thinking about only one thing.  The death and destruction of the airline industry as we know it!

God help us.

Jaybird currently resides in Seattle where he reads comics, works in a library, and writes for this site.  He has also been known to blow your mind, rock your world, and eat pizza.