The Happiest Place on Earth
by Jason DeShaw

Note: Everything here was written in the Summer of 2003 through my own experiences.  These are my opinions and you should view them as that and make your own judgments.

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."  

                                                                                                                                                                                        -Albert Schweitzer

Prelude:

    Wild Waves/Enchanted Village is a tiny little theme park/water park on the outskirts of Federal Way.   It is where all the white trash of the Pacific Northwest gather to spend the few bucks they earned during the year on crappy rides and crappy food.  You must understand though, that these people don't know what a real theme park is.  They can't tell the difference between this park and any other Six Flags, for they have not been to another Six Flags.  They don't know their money is being stolen from them left and right for low quality rides and food.  They are ignorant and naive, but I am not here to attack the mullet wearing people that attend this park.  No, what I am here to do is to reveal to the world, once and for all, the true Wild Waves/Enchanted Village.

    Before I begin, you may ask how I know of the true Wild Waves/Enchanted Village.  Well it so happens that for a few months, I was an employee there, operating rides.  What I learned and experienced from working there made me walk-out on my job.  Minimum wage is incredibly high here, $7.01, but still, I remembered looking at the pay checks, and saying to myself "It's not worth it."  I wasn't happy working there (hence the quote above) and I couldn't take it.  Now I wish to inform everyone of what goes on at this wretched place.  All of the information I will be giving will be from my own personal experiences and will not be exaggerated in any form.

Chapter 1: False Advertising

    Before you even get into the park, they already have you caught up in their web of lies.  The commercials you see show giant roller coasters, enormous water slides, and happy families.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but since there is no way to show you the commercials, I will have to go to the website, which is chock full of false advertising, to prove my point.

Exhibit A

    There are several things wrong in the picture above, can you spot them?  Well I can.  First off, there are people in this picture with their arms in the air and appear to be having a good time and celebrating the park's greatness.  Just look at them, all happy and stuff.  I don't know what poor bastards sold their souls to take this picture, but this park is anything but great and filled with happiness.  All I see from the park is sadness and sorrow.  In fact, this picture isn't even from Wild Waves/Enchanted Village.  How can I tell?  Look at the ground, it's red.  The park doesn't have a nice shiny red ground, but has giant rolling cement paths.  Not even good paths either, we're talking like, holes and bumps and stuff.  Ok, that might sound as if I'm trying to find things wrong with the park, but there's more.  You can see a roller coaster in the background of this picture.  There isn't any roller coaster nearly as large as that in the park, or within about 500 miles for that matter.  So where is this picture taken? Fuck if I know.

Exhibit B

    This... I just don't know how they can get away with this.  This just doesn't exist in the park, at all.  I don't think anything even closely resembling this is in the park.  I've seen these rides before, and I know for a fact that the park doesn't have one.  Dumb fucks.

Exhibit C

    Yes, their brand new roller coaster, The Timberhawk: Ride of Prey.  It's the biggest roller coaster in Washington State!  That isn't a lie, it is the biggest as far as I know.  That doesn't say much though.  Have you ever been to a theme park in Washington State? No? That's right, because this is the only one.  So how could it not be the biggest.  Damn them.  What bugs me though, is how they advertise this ride.  In the commercials on TV, and in this picture, it is clearly not the Timberhawk, but another, much larger, roller coaster which can be found down somewhere in Texas.  Look at the picture, the front of the roller coaster.  I'm not sure what the hell it says, but it obviously does not say Timberhawk: Ride of Prey.  Bastards.

Chapter 2: Over Pricing

    Above you see the price listing for one day entry into the park, which I think are obnoxiously high.  $30 to get into the park if you are a normal teenager to adult under 50.  That's insane.  That's the same price or more then most REAL theme parks make you pay, but this shit-hole, I pity people just who pay to get in.  If paying $30 isn't enough, look, you have to pay for parking.  $7 just to park your damn car.  Children under 48" are $5 cheaper.  Do you know why, because that cuts down about half of the rides they can go on.  Seniors are also $5 cheaper, but I think in my time working there, I saw like two senior's actually get on a ride.  Oh, but wait!  Children under 2 are free!  Do you know why, because the rule is you have to be at least 3 years old to ride any ride in entire park.  So pretty much you are bringing in the little ones so you can buy things for them.

    I remember one day we had to advertise a "Split your ticket" campaign thing.  You could bring in your ticket and get a "discounted" season pass for only $50.  Hey, sounds great right.  Lets do the math.  Season pass normally $79.99.  You pay $29.99 to get in.  $50 + $29.99 is, you guessed it, $79.99.  So really, you don't save a penny.  Not one penny.  All you do is waste your time to go down to some office and give them more money, thinking you are getting a deal, while in actuality, you aren't.

    Along with just getting in, food is ridiculous.  $5 for a hamburger, or $6.50 for chicken and fries, plus the over priced drinks.  I remember looking upon big groups of families trying to order food and I was saddened by the outrageous prices they had to pay for half-assed food.  Even as an employee, I still feel as if I was getting ripped off paying $2 for a hot dog.  That's right, we didn't even get free food, we had to pay at a discounted price.  My pay check was going towards lunch.  Damn you Wild Waves/Enchanted Village, damn you!

Chapter 3: Safety

   When I think safety, I think Wild Waves/Enchanted Village.  I look at rides and I'm glad people lives are being trusted to cloth and duct tape.  You think I'm kidding, but I can see under the rides, and that is what most of them are held together by.  Oh and the ride operators are just as safe.  On several occasions someone would walk up to me and tell me I had to train them and then I would get to go home and they would take over.  Paper work, who needs paper work.  I'm just glad these people had 2 minutes of me saying "That is go, that is stop" and I point at the height requirements, then they are good to go.  How is that not safe?

   I think I was a bad employee there, because, I hated the job so much I just didn't care about the rules.  "Hmmm, that kid is too tall to ride the airplanes, oh well,"  I often thought to myself.  I was only caught overloading a ride once, and I managed to play dumb and talk my way out of it.  This is just me doing this stuff.  Imagine a park full of rides operated by people like me who just don't care.  Makes for a safe environment.

   What about the food.  We were advised about every morning to not eat the food because it will make us sick.  Do you think they tell the guests that though.  No, they don't tell the guests that.  Why would they?  That would hurt business.  You've already got people rolling down hills and rides breaking, you don't need this also.  So management just decides to not tell anyone.  Which brings me to my next chapter.

Chapter 4: Management

   Perhaps I should have titled this "Lack of Management" for there is little to be seen.  Sure, there are people who wear green shirts, as opposed to our blue and red shirts, but does that really give them any more knowledge of running rides at a theme park.  Here, let me go more in depth.

    I had four supervisors (just in the rides department); a nazi (shaved head, black boots), a punk kid (you know, has a hang over at work), an oblivious guy (the fastest I've seen him move was when he got a call on the radio there was a topless women in the wave pool), and well, I'll give credit to my fourth supervisor, for she was the only one who seemed to know what she was doing.  The others, well, they didn't.  Also, they weren't the nicest of people.  While being trained by one of them on how to operate rides, he would explain to us how it was a good ride, because the fat chicks couldn't make it up the hill, or while walking by two rather large women, one stated "There's some hot ones for yah boys!"  Pretty much a lot of making fun of guests.

    What I really like is how much they trained us for emergency situations.  "Dial 0 on the phone in all emergencies," they told us.  So one day, there is a huge thunderstorm.  Of course, no one knows what to do, and why would we, no one told us about this.  Sure, we close our rides, but then what?  People are asking me where to go what to do, how should I know?  Wait, I'll just dial zero, and that will solve all my problems.  So I do, and it's busy because they only have one operator.  Good thinking.  After I get through, they tell me to stay at my ride...  So there is lightning and pouring rain and I'm standing next to a giant metal lightning rod.  I'm glad that I am cared about as an employee.

Chapter 5: Unhealthy Working Conditions

    I guess they didn't get the memo, but there is this little thing called the law which Wild Waves/Enchanted Village must of forgot about.  I am a minor, so I have a few different laws when it comes to working.  I can't work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week during the summer (plus six flags has their own "laws" where minors can't work more than 7 hours, but anyways) and of course they force me too.  So, here I am, working over 8 hours, because I can't go home and it sucks, a lot.  I guess someone found out about it though, because they got sued.  Yeah, $1,000 for every minor violation.  Oh well, what's $75,000 anyways right.  Dumb Asses.

    You'd think that would stop them though.  No, you're wrong.  See, they had a little plan... give us two breaks, except make them 45 minutes each, that way, we are in the park an hour and a half longer, but not getting paid for it.  Ingenious.  "Wait, why can't you leave if you have 45 minutes?"  Well, we don't have our cars at the park, that's why.  "Wait, why don't yo.." shut up and stop asking questions.  Our cars are at a local mall about 15 minutes away, because to make more room, ahem, for their guests, they decided to take away the employee parking.  Yes, we all got to hop on a little 14 person shuttle to get to work every morning.  It was pretty much going to school.

     So we are there, forced to eat their food and unable to leave.  So, yeah, it really was school, except instead of sitting all day, we got paid $7.01 an hour to stand, and measure kids, and destroy kids dreams, and get yelled at, and push a button, and be bored, and hate your own life and question your own existence as a human and wonder where is your life going if you are working this crappy job and go insane, and you look at the many buttons on the control panel and think "would anyone really miss these people?" and then you come back to your senses.  For now the ride is over and you have to open the gate.  Now everyone is gone, but you look over your shoulder.  The line has formed.  Now you must do it all again.  "Don't worry", I told myself, "only nine and a half more hours."

Conclusion:

   I hated my job, so I took the pussy way out and I quit, but I don't care.  I'm glad I quit.  I'm glad I walked out.  I walked out and I didn't look back.  My parents were angry, but I didn't care.  I don't have money anymore, but I still don't care.  I may be poor, but at least I'm happy again.

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All pictures can be found on the official Wild Waves/Enchanted Village website found here.