That Darn Cat Vikings... Long Ramblings about the team I love hating
by Alex Anderson

            As a lifelong Minnesota football Vikings' fan, I often have found myself... wanting not to be a Vikings' fan any longer.  Hmm, I am not so sure that was my thesis.  This article is inspired by, among other historical Viking related nonsense, the firing of head coach Mike Tice less than and hour after the 34-10 victory over NFC North rivals the Bears.  I decide to write this article, mostly because I haven't done much for this website that I call my own in quite some time now... and furthermore, because I have nothing better to do than comment on my hometown football team.  And by hometown I mean that I live in North Dakota, which for those unfamiliar, is rather close to Minnesota, which is home to the Twin Cities of Minneapolis-St. Paul and one of those towns (hint, the one that’s not the reject town of the two) is home to the Vikings.  Therefore, yeah, they're definitely my hometown team.  All right, enough homoerotic banter; onto the griping.

The Most Recent

            Yeah, as mentioned above, Mike Tice was fired by owner Zygi Wilf after finishing the regular season 9-7 and more importantly missing the playoffs.  Do I understand the firing?  Absolutely, a person can hardly blame Wilf for the decision he made.  Why?  Well, lets start with how Tice got where he is in the first place.  Once upon a time there was a very rich man by the name of Red McCombs. Old Red, as the people called him... or, I called him, for the first time, just now... was a moronic piece of shit.  By chance, this moronic piece of shit owned the Vikings through the late 90’s and was pretty damn successful.  During his tenure as owner, the Vikings actually put together a bit of a miracle season, going 15-1 in the 1998 regular season, only to lose to a dirty bird bunch of assholes in the NFC Championship game.  But I'm getting off topic... the point is, when a season filled with injury and disappointment from the Quarterback position lead to then coach Dennis Green's first losing season in 2002 he was shuffled out of the organization. His long time offensive line coach Mike "unqualified" Tice, would take over as interim head coach for the final game of that dismal season.  If I remember correctly, it was against the Baltimore Ravens (which oddly enough were head coached by Brian Billick, who basically won that job by being offensive coordinator of the Vikings during the aforementioned 1998 miracle season).  This of course was a makeup game for the teams; I remember how angry I had been by the fact that a couple of lousy planes crashing into a couple of lousy buildings had ruined the Ravens vs. Vikings Monday night showdown earlier that year.  Anyway, Tice filled in the best he could and lost his coaching debut.

            Well, Butt-fuck McCombs, as the people call him, sold the team to Wilf just before this 2005 NFL season got underway.  And that one-game interim head coach by the name of Mike Tice just happened to be around still.  Wilf was nice enough to let the guy fight for his job and I think that if the Vikings say, make the playoffs and actually win a game that he might still have a job, but then it's tough when you are one of a handful of teams picked as odds on favorites to make or even win the Superbowl.  I can't blame Wilf for what he did, and yet I'd have to call Mike Tice's departure from the team sad in many ways.  It's sad because Tice played for the Vikings as a tight end from 92-93 and then again in 1995, this before taking over coaching that position for the Vikings in 1996.  Furthermore, he worked as one of the most successful offensive line coaches in the league from 1997-2001.  He actually guided five linemen to the Pro Bowl over those years, (Matt Birk, Jeff Christy, Randall McDaniel, Todd Stuessie and Korey Stringer).  Unfortunately, it was that extreme success that lead to his being named assistant to head coach Dennis Green in that less than storied 2001 season.  This of course led to his becoming first interim and then full-time head coach of the Minnesota Vikings.  So after 13 years working through the ranks of the Vikings organization, from player, to the piss-ass coaching job that they probably just made up the title of and didn't even pay him to do, to the job that gained him his fame, to the job that lost him his job; I can only call his departure from the team, bittersweet.  I wish Tice luck and hope that his head-coaching job in Minnesota can propel him to another good job somewhere else.

The Less Recent

            Speaking of Red McCombs being a fucking loser...  This person is the ultimate jackass.  As rich as a fucker as he was, he always played with the notion of fucking over the Minnesota faithful, because he just wasn't rich enough.  What do I mean?  Well, Red McCombs would've loved for the team to get a new stadium while he was owner, because that would shoot up his profits by about 500%.  But would he pay for this stadium and call it an investment; certainly not.  He wouldn't do shit.  He expected the Minnesota faithful to pick up the tab.  Well guess what buddy, Minnesota faithful spend their extra cash on lakeside property, cocaine, and jet-skis.  And cocaine damnet.  So they can't afford a fucking new stadium.  Well this issue can be laid to rest, because when you can't get a new stadium, then you just keep playing in the one you got right?  Not to Sir Takes-It-In-The-Ass-A lot, as the people call him.  To him, if the cocaine junkies couldn't fit the bill, then it was time to move the team to San Antonio, Texas.  Because apparently, they were anxious to build him a stadium there.  Red was a fucker because when he didn't get his way he would whip out his dick and cry for mommy.  Which is a direct metaphor for holding press conferences to bluff to the Minnesota media his plans for relocating the organization.

            Also, let us not forget that this idiot wanted to take credit for whatever the Vikings might accomplish this season, even though he disbanded the organization before they played a fucking game.  I don't care to look up the quote, but it was something like, "Well this is basically my team still, and I will take credit for their accolades in the coming season."  All fine and dandy right?  No!!!  Unless he is going to completely nullify from his resume the whole 15-1 miracle season, then he cannot do that.  (He was in his first year as owner that year.)  Your choice jackass, 9-7 and no playoffs was all your doing or 15-1 and breaking numerous records was all your doing.  You can't have it both ways.

            Okay, what else, what else, what else?  So much bullshit to comment on.  Well on a final note about Reddawg MchoneyComb, as the people call him, why do you trade Randy Moss right before you sell the fucking team?  Maybe there is a fiscal reason for this that I am not understanding, but if there isn't I just can't understand why you'd make that trade.  The trade, for those unknowing, was Randy Moss for some linebacker and a first round draft pick.  What linebacker?  Why does that matter?  It wasn't Dick Butkus, Lawrence Taylor, or Ray Nitschke in their fucking respective primes... 'nough said.  The draft pick that they got couldn't even begin to make up for the fact that the linebacker they received in the deal plays defense like my sister plays Nintendo (like a girl).  I cannot believe that this hasn't got more props for being one of the worst trades of all time.  In the first place, I don't agree with trading your star player for a sack of magic beans and hoping shit works out.  In the second place, Napoleon "I’m Supposedly a Linebacker" Harris, hardly even qualifies as a worthless magic bean.  Now wait.  I'm not being entirely objective about this trade.  After all, the whole idea behind it was to get more cap space so that a defense can be constructed in due time.  Well, with all the cap space they opened up they were able to sign, among others, Fred Smoot and Pat Williams.  So really, it was like they traded Randy Moss for like 5 other players and a draft pick... now that's not so bad.  So why do I still think that the trade was retarded?  The same reason you don't trade Michael Jordan to clear up cap space for Vlade Divac, Anthony Mason, John Starks, Christian Laettner, and Danny Ferry.  Because one great player = one great player whereas, five okay players = evenly spread mediocrity out on the field.  And how did the idea of trading Moss get pushed into the limelight?  He fake mooned the Green Bay fans in a playoff game.  And furthermore, walked off of the field as time expired during a playoff loss.  How classless... to walk of the field like that, when the game is over... with look of dejection and disappointment.  These incidents vaulted talk about how he is a loose canon that is not good for any football team.  Things were so bad after the "walking off of the field when the game was over" incident, that Daunte Culpepper had to confront Randy and talk some sense into him.  Uh, I love it.  Randy Moss, after incident upon incident early in his career finally shapes up his act and then the organization bails on him.  But then you wouldn't want potential risks on your roster, so it makes some sense.  This quote becomes instantly infamous, "He's my good friend, but you almost get to thinking that maybe enough is enough," - Culpepper, on the organizations and his personal disgust with the receiver.  This is the same Culpepper who has a 40 year contract paying him upwards of half of Sir William Gates total assets and who will be spending a good deal of that money weaseling his way out of charges of lewd conduct aboard a yacht, that reportedly had booze and dirty hookers (and in my own opinion, Minnesotan's favorite pastime - cocaine.)  This is the same Culpepper who is starting to think that he's had enough of these damn ego obsessive receivers that fake moon crowds.  Well fuck you Daunte.  I'm sick of overpaid quarterbacks that apparently have contract incentives for throwing lots of interceptions and breaking legs and exposing their private regions.  Good thing we got rid of all the bad by trading Moss.  If we hadn't traded Moss, we wouldn't have hardly had room for all of the bad that we wanted in our organization.  Fred Smoot, who has been a great influence on the whole team, by teaching them to spend bye weeks practicing the horizontal hustle aboard the love boat.  After all that bad room was taken up, they managed to find a little slot for recovering alcoholic Koren Robinson.  Who has actually been great, but the fact remains, you trade away trouble to get your hands on more trouble, what the fuck is that?

The Incredibly Not Recent in Any Way, but I still Want to Bitch

            This will come in a new article because I just don't care to write any more.  Stay tuned; there will be more bullshit to come...

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