The Evolution of Shaving
by Alex Anderson

Ah yes, shaving.  Ever since the dawn of man, shaving has been an issue.  I think.  I actually have no fucking clue.  But I will theorize, hypothesize, and more bluntly, just plain old bullshit my way through what I will call,  "the evolution of shaving."

In the Beginning
Adam of course was the first man to encounter the dilemma of hair in unwanted regions.  Between frolicking around with Eve and eating delicious fruit, he would rub stones across his face in an attempt to remove the undesirable hair.  As he learned to sharpen rocks and became more daring he began to shave the "hair down there" if you will.  He found that it made his penis look considerably bigger, and that Eve took well to this.  While his sexual techniques never did prosper, his psyche took a big step in the right direction and Eve was more proud than ever to be spending her days with such a strong, big man.

After the 'In the Beginning"
Time passed and things changed.  Men started innovating new ways to remove their hair.  These ideas ranged from idol worship to fucked up creams that they concocted with their knowledge of fucked up oils and stuff. 

This is a bunch of bullshit.  I have no fucking clue how shaving has evolved over the ages and I have no interest in learning.  But for the sake of this already forced article, I will continue.

As time went on, man began to move toward a great moment in history.  A time when men would spend their times getting massages, haircuts, and facials at places known as spas.  Spas were heavenly places that would pamper men into looking like little girls.  Moreover, companies like Schick(R) and Gillette(R) began creating shaving devices that would take off  all but your first layer of skin.  All of this was swell, but the world was waiting for something different, something fresh.  And now, PsychoNoble is more than happy to present to you what that something is...  The new, Mach-5-Fucking-Blades razor!!!

This article was inspired solely by my imagination... which apparently isn't all that original, but I'll get to that in a moment.  I had seen a commercial for a razor, that said something like, "did you think 3 blades was the best a razor could get?" or some shit.  I thought to myself, "why yes, yes I did... is there something better?!?".  It was then that the commercial stated that there was something better, something with 4 blades, instead of just 3.  When I heard that, I fell into a coma that I never came out of... I swear.  Anyway, I thought that was mighty stupid, so I sat down to make a picture of a razor that would be superior even to that of one with 4 blades.  After making the picture, I began the article, the article which you see here.  I didn't finish however, because I'm lazy.  Time went on and I heard from a friend that Mad TV had already made fun of the whole thing.  When I heard this, I got really pissed off, I mean, I lied motionless in my coma.  The point of the story is that this isn't plagiarism, it's simply coincidental brain processes and so on and so forth.  Now you're probably wondering why I wrote all of this in an italicized font,

Back to PsychoNoble Articles
    Back to PsychoNoble Home