Cellular Phones

by Brady Lewis

What the hell is the deal with cell phones?  I don’t understand why everyone has them.  I hate cell phones.  I refuse to own a cell phone. 

I’ve actually been offered a cell phone.  My mother offered to buy me a phone and pay for the plan.  I turned her down.  Now, to some of you, that sounds like an absolutely amazing deal, and I’m a moron for not taking it.  However, it is you people who are the morons.  Look at yourselves.  It’s just another piece of useless technology that you are now relying on way too much.  Add in the fact that the average cell phone carrier is a goddamn idiot and the situation looks even grimmer.

Why is the average cell phone carrier a goddamn idiot?  Ring tones.  Ring tones are by far the worst thing to happen to civilization to date.  No, scratch that, they are the best thing ever invented, because you now know who the absolute fucking morons are.  These are the people who are at some event where you should probably turn off your goddamn phone (movie, wedding, IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING PRESENTATION YOU DIRTY BITCH, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).  Then their phone goes off, playing an absolutely gay ring tone, like the theme from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and don’t get mad at me for that remark, just because the rest of you feel nostalgic doesn’t make TMNT any better.  It was cool, then I turned 10, fucking deal.)  So then, the person ignores it, because lord knows that they turned off their phone before going into the room.  They never leave their cell phone on.  In fact, they think it’s rather funny that there is someone around them who not only left their cell phone on, but that that person also has THE EXACT SAME RING TONE AS THEM.  WOW, THAT’S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?  Eventually, one of their friends sitting next to them will ask if it is their phone and the realization that yes, perhaps it IS my phone sinks in.  So they dig for their phone, OH WHOOPS, IT’S MINE, SORRY.  Fucking Christ and people think I don’t deserve life.

The best is that now you can text message other people from your phone.  That’s just amazing.  I simply can’t count the number of times that I’ve been on a phone and thought, “You know, if I could awkwardly type this person a message instead of simply speaking it, this would totally rule.”  YOU ARE ON A PHONE TO BEGIN WITH; YOU DON’T HAVE TO TYPE MESSAGES.  People say, “But what if they don’t answer their phone, you can leave them a message.”  Wow, you got me there.  I was under the impression that someone, somewhere, had invented Voice Mail.  I know it was all the rage a while ago.  For those of you who don’t remember, Voice Mail is very similar to an answering machine.  People can speak a message to your Voice Mail, and it will record it for you to play back on a later date. 

However, I have two more points that relate to why text messaging is actually ESSENTIAL to cell phones.  First is that no one actually ever checks their voice mail.  Ever.  I have left so many messages on voice mail, explaining details about why I called, only to have the person call me and ask why I called. Yeah, don’t act like you people don’t do it.  You just check your caller ID, and call them back.  You could just listen to the voice mail, but no, that’s too hard, because the damn cell phone is a complex piece of equipment that most people barely know how to use.

Secondly, text messages are important because NO ONE ANSWERS THEIR DAMN PHONE.  Again, I was under a mistaken image that people who had cell phones had them so people could get a hold of them at any point.  Apparently this is not the case, as at least 75% of the time, when I call someone’s cell phone, they either don’t answer, or have it turned off.  Take my mom, for instance.  “Call me on the cell phone if you need anything.”  Yeah, I would, except that practically every goddamn time I do that, you don’t answer.  So I leave a voice mail.  Then you don’t even check the caller ID to see if anyone called, and you don’t check your voice mail.  Maybe if I had sent a text message, you would have gotten that. 

Another thing about cell phones is the new “camera” fad.  Now you have a camera on your phone.  Whoopee.  If I want a camera, I’ll get a camera.  It isn’t worth the hassle of owning a cell phone so that you can take pictures.

I won’t even get into how the plans are made up.  You want to give me a plan, how about unlimited local calls.  No minutes, just unlimited local calls.  See, that’s what my regular phone gives me.  It’s rather convenient.  I don’t have to worry about going over my minutes because I DON’T HAVE ANY.  I call who I want, when I want.  Beat that.

Seriously people, give it up.  The only useful thing on your cell phone is the clock, and let me tell you, there is this thing that a lot of people wear called a “watch.”  It tells you what time it is, and it fits conveniently around your wrist. 

I enjoy not having a cell phone.  I enjoy it because people can’t call me whenever they feel like it.  The comment people make to that is, “You don’t have to answer the phone all the time; you can turn it off.”  Bullshit.  That defeats the purpose of having one.  Plus, if you don’t take every call, the person who called will see you in person and ask why you haven’t been answering your phone.  So you either flat out tell them that you didn’t want to talk to them, or make up some story about how you a) left it at home or b) forgot to charge up the battery.  Both are bullshit, and the other person will know it, because if you have a cell phone and you leave it at home or don’t charge it, that REALLY defeats the purpose of having a cell phone.   

I also enjoy not having a cell phone because I can’t be that idiot who doesn’t turn his phone off during a movie or wedding or what-have-you.  Again, the comment to that is, “It isn’t that hard to turn off your phone.”  Apparently it is, since it happens all the time. 

Another reason I don’t have a cell phone is because no one would call it.  Seriously, no one would.  There would be no reason for people to call it.  I don’t leave town.  I don’t go on vacations.  If I’m not a home, I’m at work.  Call me either place.  If I’m not at home or at work, I’m in class, and I don’t need to be talking to you in class.  If, during the rare occasion I’m not at home, at work, or in class, I’m probably doing something entertaining, and I would probably rather not have someone calling me anyway.  Therefore, I would be spending money for pretty much nothing.  Cell phones suck balls.

Oh, but what if I’m in a car accident, or some other life-threatening situation, and need to call an ambulance?  Hmm, let me see here, what are my options?  I could always use someone else’s cell phone, because everyone has one but me, and if this is truly an emergency, the other person would gladly allow me to use it.  Or I could go up to a house or store in the area and ask to use their phone, and again, because it is an emergency, they would gladly allow me to do so.  But what if I’m out in the middle of nowhere?  Walk.  Walk to the nearest town.  I say that, and I’m a big fat ass, so the fact that someone else has to call for help is sad.  Plus, when am I in the middle of nowhere?  I barely even go into Moorhead, let alone leave the city.  What if it’s in the middle of a blizzard and you can’t walk?  First of all, you can walk in a blizzard.  I’ve done it.  Second, if the blizzard is so bad that you can’t walk to the nearest town, what are the odds that someone can come help you?  Think about that.  Besides, it’s probably your own damn fault that you are stuck in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard, so deal with it.

The only time, and I mean THE ONLY TIME, anyone should have a cell phone is if they need it for their job.  If you are a doctor or nurse, and someone needs you right away, then you should have a cell phone.  That is the sort of thing that I can understand.  If you need one for your job, by all means, use one.  Just don’t be idiots about it.  Your company probably doesn’t want to employ fucking morons. 

That’s all I have to say about cell phones.  If you disagree, feel free to suck on my tiny Norwegian dick.  No one cares what you think, because you have a cell phone, and you are an idiot. 

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