Ok, so I really don't know how to start out this article.  I've sat here for like 10 minutes just typing words and deleting them.  So let me just get straight to the point.

On the left you see the original Arizona Cardinals logo, on the right the NEW Arizona Cardinals logo!  Now sit there and tell me that this isn't the most pointless thing ever.  Actually don't, that would ruin the whole article.  It reminds me of those games in the newspaper, where they give you two pictures, and you have to figure out what is different between the two.

I happened to stumble upon this while on NFL.com.  I usually go there to see if there is any news on The Minnesota Vikings, such as "NFL Feels Bad For Vikings, Sends Them To Super Bowl," and so forth, but there never is.  I did happen to find this article on The Arizona Cardinals though, talking all about their NEW logo.  You can find it here, but I've taken the liberty of extracting the best parts just for you!

"The outline is in black," Michael Bidwill said. "We've made the beak much more predatory and much more aggressive. The face is much more streamlined. It's faster looking. The eye has been described as mean, we'll say tough. We've taken tail feathers and given them speed, as well."

You know what Bidwill, I don't care how many different adjectives for "fast" you found in your thesaurus, it doesn't make it any cooler.  I can describe what you've done nice and simple... NOTHING.  Everything is the same.  Here, I've used my own thesaurus to sum up your new logo, find it here.  You made his eye a little narrower and tilted his head down.  Size, look, and colors are all the same.

The new beak is gold, while the old one was yellow.

Wow, with such an amazing change like that, your team won't suck next year.  Oh wait it probably will.  A mighty change of yellow to gold isn't even noticeable until you point it out.  Come to think of it, I wouldn't even have noticed a change at all if this dumb article wasn't written about it.  Don't worry though, there is one last thing in the article that is stupid beyond comprehension.  It is when Josh McCrown, Arizona Cardinals quarterback, was asked to comment on the new logo.  Warning: Contains stupidity.

"The only birds I know about are the duck and the dove and the quail, birds that you shoot," the Cardinals quarterback said. "You're not really supposed to shoot cardinals. I don't know if I'd shoot this bird. It looks pretty mean. This bird might pull a gun out and shoot right back at you."

Huff.  I don't even know what to say to that.  It's just mind-boggling.  It sounds like he was paid to say these stupid lines, but I'm assuming from his knowledge of birds he wasn't.

So what is all of this leading up to you ask?  Well my friends, I have taken it upon myself to redesign a few more of the NFL teams logos.  You know, make them more aggressive, more streamlined, and more tough.  Up first are The Detroit Lions.

Detroit managed to make it to third place in the NFC North Division during the 2004 season, which is an incredible improvement for Detroit.  Sadly their record was still 6-10.  What is needed to boost their team into overdrive and take the NFC North by storm is a NEW logo!  On the right I have redesigned their team logo.  As you can see, the cool spiky mane now goes all the way down the lions back, making him malicious.  Also, if you look closely, I gave him sharp teeth to further enforce the savageness.  With a vehement look like this, the Lions are sure to dominate not just the NFC North, but the entire NFL (and parts of the CFL)!

The next team in line for a new logo would be The San Francisco 49ers...

The 49ers ended the 2004 season with a dismal 2-14 record.  If only they had this NEW cool logo to the right to boost their talent to new heights.  As I'm sure you first noticed, I changed the uninspired Red D00C22 to a championship winning Red D0470C.  Oh that was not enough though!  Around the SF I added ardent ridges, to help propel the team to stardom!

Now for the 9-7 Buffalo Bills.

Sadly the Bills barely missed the playoffs, not being able to keep up with the likes of The New England Patriots and The New York Jets.  Perhaps if their team were just a little faster and a little stronger they could have made it to the playoffs.  That is where their NEW team logo comes in!  As you can see I aggrandized the red stripe accenting their mercurial like speed.  I'm no expert on Bills, but I decided to add a small horn and smoothed out the eye.  With a tenacious look like this, the Bills would be a sure-thing in the playoffs next season.

And finally, I thought I'd give The Minnesota Vikings a complete makeover.  A change so big, that nothing would be able to stop them on their path to the Super Bowl!

There it is folks, the NEW logo for The Vikings!  The current logo on the left is quite pathetic.  Just staring off into the distance willing to only play half a season.  Sure, he made it into the playoffs, beat The Packers in what was called an upset, but eventually lost to The Eagles.  You call yourself a Viking.  An Eagle took you down!  Well no more of this nonsense!  Step aside puny old Viking and make way for the NEW Viking!

That's right, check out the NEW logo to the right.  Look how determined he is to win a Super Bowl!  Look at that undaunted chin, those enduring horns.  And the eyes... the eyes!  I'm sure we are all thinking the same thing when we look at those eyes... they sure are malevolent.

Maybe if more teams were willing to make such revolutionary changes as The Arizona Cardinals have, their futures would be as bright as theirs.  Sadly, we are doomed to live in a league dominated by the relentless Arizona Cardinals and their "tough bird".  May God help us all.