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To My Hero
by Alex Anderson

In this shit-ass world we live in I sometimes find it difficult to find those gems of hilarity and agreeability that can bring a sliver of joy to my normally dispirited and monotonous morning routine.  You know what I’m talking about already.  For some people listening to some jackass make prank phone calls to fake celebrities on the radio while they drive to work is that gem.  To other people that gem is actually getting to work and seeing that co-worker that’s more pathetic than they themselves are.  It doesn’t matter if there’s only one co-worker lower than you, one co-worker that will always weigh more, smell worse, and show up later to the mandatory meeting, because that’s enough to make you happy.  Unfortunately, even though I show up to my job knowing full well that I’m better than a damn good percentage of my dick-less fellow employees, its just not enough.  It doesn’t make me smile.  Maybe it used to, but not any longer.  No, now I need something more, an extra kick in the ass to turn over my engine.  And honestly, for awhile anyway, I couldn’t find it.  After the whole inferior co-workers thing wore off I was lost.  The inferior class mates at school thing had evaporated long ago and now I had nothing.  Maybe I needed a change of pace I thought to myself.  Perhaps a new job with different losers that I could feel better than would cure my morose state of mind… it didn’t matter though.  I knew that even that would only be a temporary fix for my haunting depression.  I needed something more, a bigger Band-Aid.  But where on earth could I find someone so retarded and low that I could feel good for days on end after only minimum exposure to minimize the chances of actually being lowered to that level?

Enter Bill O’Reilly.  Ah yes, Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News Channel’s “The O’Reilly Factor.  Now what can be said about this man that hasn’t already been said?  I first discovered this man during my junior year of high school while channel flipping in search of something that would be stimulating to me.  Normally ESPN does the trick here.  I can watch any number of shows where sports issues are debated and its interactive for me, in the way that I can form my own opinion and actually yell at the screen as I realize how much more intelligent I am than say a Jay Marrioti or Bill Plaschke.  The issues that arise in the shows on ESPN don’t always spark my interest, but frankly that doesn’t matter.  I can still form an opinion and that’s what I like.  However, after countless episodes of "Around the Horn", "Pardon the Interruption", and of course "Sportscenter" I began to get sick of the issues that monopolize sports talk.  Now I can’t remember what those issues were back in junior year, but to prove my monopolizing point, just think of how many times we’ve heard the tired story regarding VIOLENCE IN SPORTS, BAHHHHHHHHH!   And now the even more tired,   STEROIDS IN A SPORT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE, BAHHHH!  So yes, getting back to my point, I began to channel flip in hopes of a new haven for my opinion forming genesis.

            ---NEW FLASH---

I just used the word genesis, because I couldn’t think of a word for what I was trying to get at.  This however isn’t as startling as the fact that it almost sounded good.  It might have even made sense, probably not, but maybe.  As a tribute to this great moment in my writing career, I will now use the word “genesis” whenever I hit a spell of writing block.

            ---NEW FLASH---

It was then that I found this great man.  This man that could always and I mean always make me yell at my television screen.

Note:
Bill’s horns only protrude out of his skull when he gets really angry.  This can usually be seen during a time on the show deemed, "The No Spin Zone."

Bill O’Reilly, as a tutorial of sorts for those who haven’t heard of him is an ultra-conservative dill hole who quite frankly needs to "wise up."  The problem with Bill or rather, one of the problems with Bill is that he is unable to debate.  He just doesn’t understand the concept.  Debating consists of forming opinions and using facts to back up these opinions.  But for Bill debating consists of spewing the textbook ultra-conservative view of whatever issue is presented and then letting his guest get what he calls the, “last word.”  The guest usually replies with something that contests this viewpoint.  Now first of all this is supposed to be the “last word,” but Bill won’t let it die there.  He has to say something more.  Now, if Bill would ever have an ultra-conservative rebuttal to the guest, his show would at the very least be respectable.  But instead Bill just says, "DON’T SPIN THIS SUBJECT LIKE THAT; THIS IS THE NO SPIN ZONE MY FRIEND; I DIDN’T SPIN IT WHEN I TALKED; WISE UP FELLA: WISE UP; COMING UP AFTER THESE MESSAGES WE’LL HAVE ME RAMBLING ABOUT SOME MORE BULLHONKIE THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT."  You can see how something like this might very well make a sane man yell obscenities at ol’ Bill as they cut to commercial.  I know what you may be thinking.  You may be thinking.  Where is this going?  I thought he was talking about things that brightened his day.  How could this absurd man be bringing light to this man’s dark life?  Well, that is a mystery in and of itself.  I’m not exactly sure why, but watching this dildo always made me feel intelligent.  It always made my opinions seem correct, and while the subject matter rarely rivaled that of Sportscenter, it was at least refreshing compared to some of the repetitiveness.  However, as would be expected of any human life form that is never happy with what they have, I got bored.  Go figure.  Day after day of retarded comments I found myself entertained by his incessant stupidity.  But as Bill’s name gained fame and his retardation stumbled into the limelight I seemed to lose interest.  My story once again veered back toward the path of unhappiness and insecurity.  Who could fill Bill’s big shoes?  Could the feeling of elation Bill brought me ever be matched?  I thought no.

Enter Don Imus.  For those of you who don’t know who Don Imus is, he’s a smooth pimp who hosts a morning radio show rightly called, "Imus in the Morning."  The show is named for both Don and the time of the day at which it is aired.  Read that again.  Now, that may seem obvious, but to me that’s funny.  That’s the kind of thing you get with Imus.  You get raw opinions from a man who wears an ugly cowboy hat to cover his wrinkled ugly face.  Now Don didn’t actually say that, at least not to my immediate knowledge, but not a day of "Imus in the Morning" goes by that you won’t hear something equally if not more obvious or just plain absurd.  The thing I love about the "Imus in the Morning" show is that MSNBC shows it live.  It’s a lot like Howard Stern except infinitely more entertaining.  I’d like to share with you a couple of things for Don’s show that will always bring a smirk to my face.

Instance One:

On this morning in news the people of the show are going over the story of a boy who shot up a school in Minnesota.  In what is apparently the worst school shooting since the infamous Columbine incident a troubled teenager who says he admired Hitler and he himself was a self proclaimed Native Nazi on online websites is the topic of discussion.  It is brought to light that he had joked about how fun it would be to shoot up a school and has even shown other warning signs such as drawing a skeleton in art class.  Not any skeleton though, this skeleton was wearing a helmet and had a swastika across its chest; furthermore, this picture was actually hanging up in the classroom.  Now for Don, this is too much.  Don breaks in and says how he would have handled the situation.  Now this isn’t an exact quote, but fuck it… it was basically, "Well, now if I were that art teacher then, what I would have a done, right then and there is say something to that kid, I mean seriously, a skeleton, c’mon, let’s draw some uh… uh… bunnies or something."  See, I can’t agree more with Don.  We don’t need to bring another gun into the school by hiring police officers to monitor these children.  We just need to bring another Don into the school, to make sure kids are drawing bunnies not Nazi skeletons.  Hail Imus!

Instance Two:

This was a while ago, back when Tim Russert was first plugging his new book.  Now Tim Russert as host of the successful and popular show, "Meet the Press" is a nice guest for ol’ Don.  While "Meet the Press" does air on the same channel as Imus’ show, it is still a good guest to have on the line via phone.  Now Don is gentlemen and he’d never try to step on anybody’s feet, but then Don also likes food.  After asking Tim Russert a political question about the democrats and their failing campaigning, a man in the studio started in close vicinity of Don.  Seconds into Tim’s answer, an appalled Imus exclaimed, something to the tune of, "What the heck is that?"  A confused Tim Russert replied innocently, "Excuse me."  Don, completely ignoring the fact that he’s in the process of interviewing a prominent television figure, continues saying, "That’s like a humongous bagel or breakfast or something, what is that thing, that looks really good."  Imus’ co-host, realizing Don’s immaturity, breaks into laughter, and says, "Don, shall we try to stay on task here for just one moment."  Now, I’ve already been entertained, but Don has more in store for me.  Rather than taking his co-host’s advice, he defends himself.  "Well, I’m sorry, but did you see that, you saw the size of that thing, that was a big bagel?"  Now he has everyone, Russert included laughing hysterically.  Hail Imus!

The “you would have to have been there” atmosphere surrounds these instances of course, but I’m tired of Imus not getting the respect he deserves.  Imus, you’ve made my days fun again.  The difference between you and my previous feel-good-go-to-guys is that I don’t view you as an inferior.  I view you as my awesome superior that I can only hope to one day match.  When I’m feeling down I just think of Don and his crazy cowboy hat and pointy nose, then it all goes away.  So here’s to you Don, you’re my hero.  And I encourage everyone to join me in what I am calling the "Hail Imus - Campaign for a Better Day" cause.  Come one, come all in hailing the man that can brighten your day like the loser at work cannot or like the dildo on Fox News cannot.  Hail Imus!