This Was Your Life!
by Jason DeShaw

    At any given point in time, there are 245.666* people on the University of Washington campus trying to sell you their way of life.  Some people go about it in a nice way and some are just insane (see: the LaRouche people).  Without a doubt, the majority of flyers that are handed out are religious in nature.  Some aren't really that bad, just inviting you to a religious gathering or something of that sort.  Then there is the other type of religious flyers, the ones that attempt to force their religion onto you.

    Before I go any further, let me first state that I am by no means an atheist or against religion, but what I am against is the ways that certain religious groups go about recruiting members or forcing their beliefs on those who do not want them.  Anyways, back to my story...

    Normally these religious people like to stay around the hot spots on campus where lots of people walk through.  The Quad and Red Square are big hot spots, and not to mention the HUB (attack them while they eat!).  Yet, one day, as I left my dorm, one such religious flyer-hander-outer was waiting for me.  There was no way around him, but I was in an ok mood, so I decided I would take whatever he had to offer me.  "Would you like some good news?" he asked me as I walked by.  "Sure!" I said as I grabbed it and put it in my pocket.  I wasn't really sure what the whole good news thing was, but hey, its good news, I'll take it.

    Fast-forward 3 hours.  My classes are over and I'm back in my dorm.  I empty out my pockets and had already forgotten about the flyer the holy man gave me until now.  As I once again had it in my hands, I realized this was no ordinary flyer.  This was some sort of Super-Flyer!  Actually it was more of a religious comic strip, and a hefty one at that.  So avoiding homework I actually sat down and read this packet... and my friends, was it hilarious.  So hilarious in fact, that I felt the need to do a page-by-page analysis for you (yes you!) to see.  And so begins...

    It had such a pretty cover, with the stars, and the angel, and that little man... ooooo... I quickly turned to Page 1

    The first page had some dude livin' it up.  Dude check it, he's smokin' his pipe, got a nice glass of some sort of liquor I'd assume.  He has a nice little TV, a house, a fancy car.  Yeah, it would really seem he is living the good life.  A Merry man indeed.

    Whaaaa??  Well apparently he shouldn't have left the door unlocked, as Death snuck up on him from behind and killed him.  I like how Death he has a scythe, but like, pokes him to death with his finger instead.  "And God said, thou shalt be deathed by finger!"  Jason 55:86.  On to the judging!

    "He was a good man," states the man giving the international symbol for "home run".  Everyone is so sad, except for the kid who has a giant smile on his face, which is really kind of creepy.

    Using some visual creativity often found in the Metal Gear Solid games, a giant question mark appears over his head as a voice from above asks him to arise!  Apparently in death you are stripped of all your clothes, or is that little boys in Sunday school?  Either way, this guys naked and confused.  Yes you fool!  It's all over!  Do you NOT remember the giant guy in a black robe poking you to death?!

    The angel makes a grab towards the naked man and flies him away!  I also start to question how a guy this dumb made such a nice living.

    Alright, this dude just isn't getting it.  You are flying through space being groped by an angel, YOU'RE DEAD!  They have finally reached their destination!  The waiting rooms of heaven!

    Wow, waiting rooms in heaven aren't what you would think. Shouldn't they be like, nice and stuff?  Instead the angel gets a brick and the guy with the appointment has to stand naked.  I'd rather be waiting for the dentist, at least I'd get a Time magazine.  God!  "Everything has been recorded... even your pee pees!"

    Finally, your first glimpse of God in all of his white man holiness.  He's God because he is 50 times taller than you and sits in a Lazy Boy.  Not just any Lazy Boy, a Lazy Boy of the Gods!  Sorry, God, singular.

Ooo Ooo Movie Time!

    Ahh looky, he is playing with his little dolly and his little bunny, how cute.  I could continue to make jokes about priests and little boys, but I think you get the idea.

    This has to be the best two frames in the whole book.  I mean, its nearly impossible to read these and not laugh out loud.  Just look at the first frame.  He is some greaser with his pals smoking and causing trouble.  HAW HAW.  Remember kids, telling dirty stories will send you to hell!  The second frame is even better.  He is obviously some peeping tom, but its what he is saying that makes it so funny.  Ummmm nice!  It's like he's trying to convince himself that this girl is worth spying on.  He ponders for a bit, then comes to a conclusion that she is indeed nice.  Why she didn't see him standing 6 inches behind her talking, who knows.  She was probably a manikin.

    Well, I guess you learn something new everyday.  Sins I was unaware of: biting backs, having pride, and of course whispering.  God doesn't like whispers.

    You fool of course they can read your mind!  Quit trying to convince them, its over dude.  The part that sucks the most is they really leave us hanging on who wins the ball game, because I do in fact wonder, who's winning the ball game.

    Anyone else realize he just walked out of church claiming he doesn't need Christ?  He must have known that'd show up in the video of his life.  Bunk.  Well, at least he has finally admitted he is lost without Jesus and that he is guilty.  God is nice, he'll get in to heaven because he sees his errors.

    I wonder if this whole checking of your name is on the honor system.  I'm sure God could tell if you were lying, but if you didn't see your name, that means your going to hell, so wouldn't it be worth it just to TRY and get away with saying your name was there?...

    God is merciful and forgiving so he'll go to heaven... wait... those stairs lead down... hmmm...

    Wait... that's endless fire and pain... definitely NOT heaven.  Ok, so let me get this straight, being unmerciful is a sin where you get banished to hell... but that was pretty unmerciful of God to throw him into the pits of hell after he is truly sorry and admits he is lost and guilty... hmmm... VERY interesting.

    I don't want that to be my life!  Ok, I'm pretty sure they are talking about the upcoming pages... but I had to make a joke or something... I tried.  I use too many "..."

    That's right!  Cry!  You are a sinner!  SINNER SINNER SINNER!  Ok, now that you are a sinner you get into heaven... wait... huh?  Oh, its because you have to admit that Jesus died, and is your savior, or something... uh...  REPENT REPENT REPENT!

    See if you are a Christian you'll be a good worker for society.  See old people are happy, you give money to the church, you have a female daughter instead of a son as shown above.  Yeah its great stuff.  Except one thing bothers me.  I'm just going to put the picture up, you judge the rest...

    So next time you are being stabbed in the back, you'll be ready!  You see, if you are a slave to society and the church, bingo, heaven.  You can sin and stuff, but as long as you admit that Jesus died for your sins, then you are ok, because you give the church money.

    Finally!  What do I have to do next?!  Admit I'm a sinner... well that's a mean assumption to make.. but ok...  Turn from sin, that sounds good I guess.  Believe Jesus rose from the dead... sure there are lots of people that claim Jesus actually didn't die, but lived and had a child and became king, therefore taking power away from the church, but NO, he died!  And let Jesus be your savior, gotchya.  Then you talk out loud, and something about Jesus' blood being so precious it called for bold lettering.

    Alright, so now I'm in right?  Oh... another 4 steps... ok...  Read bible everyday... that's a lot of reading... alright alright.  Talk to God in prayer... will he ever talk back?  No.  Oh ok...  Step three is a doozey.  Get baptized, some "ship" words, more servantry, and then throw logic and reason out the window and except the Bible as the final authority.  Wait... that doesn't seem like a good idea at all...  Oh, and tell others about Jesus.  You know, I'm not a bettin' man... but I think most people know about Jesus already.

    Yes, Done!  Through two 4 step programs I'm into heav... wait what... The Next Step!?  There's more?  Oh well see, all I have to do is go and buy their book so I can get into heaven.  Seems like the more time I put into helping the church with their financial needs, the more likely I am to get into heaven... interesting.  So if I wanted to get in touch with the person who gave me this, you know, to pose my own thoughts and ideas on the matter, how would I go about doing that?  Maybe on the back it'll tell me.

    Compliments of: _________  Oh.  Well apparently I can send them more money though, so they can send me a catalog... of things to buy... ummm NICE!

    I have nothing against having a strong system of beliefs.  My problem is handing out things like this and using fear as motivation to give them money.  The main focus of this was not "Hey pal, if you are a good guy, you will make people happier and go to heaven!"  the message was, "You are a sinner!  You are going to hell unless you do what we say and believe what we tell you!"  Hmmm, that would be using fear as motivation in my opinion, and depending on your current beliefs in politics, that would make these people terrorists, the Bush administration, or both.  And honestly, do you really want to be like either of those?

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*Made up fact by Jason DeShaw.  Holds no actual truth.