Recently I wrote about motorcycles.  You can find that article here.  However, motorcycles are only the technological advancement of another machine that pisses me off.  It is that thing that people praise Lance Armstrong for riding every day of the year.

Sheryl Crow.

Wait.  I mean, Bicycles.

It isn’t even so much that I hate bicycles.  It’s more like I hate the people who ride the bicycles.  They are constantly doing something stupid that just makes me hate them.  In fact, there are many different kinds of bicyclers out there.  Each one has a reason for us to hate them.  Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Children
Believe it or not, children are, for the most part, the least annoying of all bicyclers.  They stay on the sidewalk, where they can’t hold up traffic.  The only real thing that children do that can get annoying is not look to see if a car is coming before tearing off across the street, forcing you to slam on your breaks.  However, they do that even when not on bicycles, because apparently all they are are walking insurance hikes.  Damn kids.

The Lance Armstrong Wannabe
This is the kind of person who thinks they are biking in the Tour de France every day.  Sleek helmet, skin-tight body suit (TO REDUCE AIR RESISTANCE), $5000 bike with two water bottles strapped to the side, hunched over the seat in a way that just screams “look at my ass.”  Seriously.  Perhaps the most annoying thing about them is that they are wearing goggles (FUCKING GOGGLES) because I guess they are going SUPER FAST and at that HIGH RATE OF SPEED something could fly into their eye, much like how a bug flies into a windshield. 

I’d like to point out that these people actually think they can go the speed limit while biking on the road.  While they do actually go faster than most motorcycles, they still do not go the speed limit.  Not even close.  Stop trying.  All they accomplish is to slow traffic to a crawl. 

Now, I’d almost understand if these people were trying to get somewhere.  Since they are the fastest bikers out there, I’d understand using the bike to get to work or something.  But they ride either for exercise or practice or some other reason.  THEY DON’T GO ANYWHERE.  SO WHY DON’T THEY USE A BIKE PATH?  You accomplish the same thing, and you don’t make hit-and-run look so appealing.

The Old Person Who Sold Their Car To Pay For Their Medications
I sympathize.  I really do.  I’m currently trying to get into the pharmaceutical field, so I know a little about how the rising cost of prescriptions are hurting the elderly.   I see this all the time.  There are a ton of elderly folks in this area that bike everywhere. 

My only complaint is that these people ride on streets that have cars parked on both sides.  This means that you cannot go around them or else you will hit a car coming from the opposite direction.  Maybe if they would stay on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t mind so much.

The X-Treme Risk Takers
Ok, these people don’t ride in the street.  They deserve credit for that.  But they still piss me off.  These people and skateboarders just annoy me.  These are the kind of people who constantly go off ramps, always bike without using their hands or in a wheelie, drink SoBe, and listen to nothing but Blink 182 and Good Charlotte. 

No, they don’t do anything to impede my driving.  I just hate them.  If this requires elaboration, you are either one of them, or an idiot.

There are other kinds of bicyclers as well, but fuck it, go find them for yourself.

StretPharmacist is a lot like the Undertaker:  A gimmick that should have never gotten over, but was taken to unbelievable heights.  Also, he is constantly injured.