Alcohol
By Brady Lewis

I don’t drink a lot of alcohol.  I just don’t.  I never really saw the point in it.  All those hydroxyl groups just didn’t seem to agree with the way I was.  We never really mixed.  Oh sure, I’ve had my share in the past.  It has never been enough to impair me in any way, however. 

Only now do I see the error of my ways.

I used to think that there was something wrong with society.  I used to think that this need for alcohol was something that hindered us as a race.  After all, this is a drug that causes death and disease all over the country.  Countless injuries and unwanted pregnancies result every second because of this stuff.  I saw myself as one of those who was above this cancer of society.

Then again, who am I to go against society?

It is quite arrogant of me to think myself above society.  I am but a man.  I have no special qualities that separate me from the masses.  Really, how can I say that alcohol is a bad quality of society?  After all, it gives us some unique properties.

Alcohol allows us to have an almost consequence-free state of being.  This is perhaps the best thing that alcohol brings us.  You see, alcohol allows us to do that which we want to do but couldn’t do otherwise.  How can you not love that?  You can have sex with that ugly fat woman (or even both of them), you can expose yourself in public, you can break into someone else’s house, hell, you can even drive your car over another human being.  All the stuff you ever wanted to do you can because you have a legitimate excuse.

"Well, I was drunk."

It is amazing how well this works.  Even major crimes have their penalties severely downgraded because of this excuse.  This is something that everyone should take advantage of.  I only wish I’d have realized this sooner, then I’d have drank like there was no tomorrow.  Just think of all the stuff I could have gotten away with.

Anyway, on to my second point.  Alcohol did away with something that I’ve been told I’m against:  socializing.  For years I’ve been told that I’m anti-social.  Really, I’ve just been anti-alcohol.  This is because socializing is the same thing as getting drunk now, but let’s still call it "socializing," because that sounds better in conversation, and if society is good at only one thing, it’s covering up what it doesn’t want to admit*.  So, socializing now easier than ever.  I don’t have to have a good conversation-starter; I just have to have enough booze in my system.  The benefits of this outweigh the negatives.  The main benefit is that the people you are slurring to will see the real you.  Alcohol takes away that false façade that people put up.  It is because of this quality that I believe alcohol should be used in counseling and group therapy.  Let’s tear down the walls between us. 

Clearly the world is a better place because of this wonder-drug.  I only wish that I had started using it at a younger age.  But I have plenty of time to try to make up for that.  On my horizon, I used to see my degree from the College of Pharmacy.  Now, I realize what my true goal should be:  exploit this amazing drug for all it is worth.  After all, life is a fleeting thing.  I’m only going to live so long anyway, so let’s take advantage of alcohol while we are here.

*(As a digression, I don’t understand this either.  Why not admit our use of alcohol in society?  Everyone uses alcohol except me.  Therefore, society should just call it what it really is since it isn’t a bad thing.  Alcohol is not a bad thing.  Remember that.  It hasn’t caused any real problems to society yet.  Oh sure, some people have lost their jobs and even their life because of alcohol use, but it doesn’t matter.  If anything, alcohol has created more jobs than it caused people to lose because of its growing profits.  Also, alcohol balances out the deaths it causes by all the people who use alcohol getting pregnant.  The circle of life is truly a thing of beauty.)

He said with tongue planted firmly in cheek, as if there was any doubt.

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