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For the Record
by Alex Anderson

There is an obsession amongst us sports fans.  This obsession is with more than just the neck breaking stiff-arms and high flying acrobatic slam-dunks that rule the highlight films.  This obsession stems from the entity that makes our sports a science.  The stat.

Why are jockstraps around the nation in bundles over Barry Bonds hitting home runs as often as Warren Moon beats his wife?  The answer is simple.  It has ruined the stat.  The home run statistic is virtually worthless now.  Obsolete.  One cannot measure greatness by home runs, at least not without a conversion ratio of some sort.  For instance, three of __ insert name of juiced up baseball player __’s home runs equals one of Babe’s.  Which would quite clearly be immensely retarded.

In baseball you should never care about who has hit a homerun.  The only offensive statistic that you should give a damn about is the triple.  The triple is the one thing that a lowered mound, a corked bat, a steroid-laden throbbing bicep, and laser eye surgery cannot help you with.  In fact, I actually want to take this time to propose changes to the boring game of baseball.

 The Baseball Revolution, as Defined by Me:

1.      Home runs count as singles.

2.      singles count as singles... that’s easy enough

3.      doubles count as doubles

4.      triples count as one run, plus a runner at third

5.      foul balls are strikes on two-strike counts too

6.      pitchers can modify the ball in anyway they want

7.      pitchers can bean whoever they want whenever they want without fear of getting ejected

8.      there are no balks... as in the pitcher can balk whenever they feel the need... balking rules!

9.      pitchers can have firearms, provided that they aren’t terrorists

 There.  I think those are the changes that should be made, so as to make the game more fan friendly and entertaining.

Okay, I’ve gotten pretty side-tracked here.  The reason that I wanted to write this article is to tell everyone to stop sucking off running backs for quarters.  First off, its just sick and if you’re going to swallow you better charge at least a buck.  The fact is that everyone fucking runs for crazy amounts of yards and touchdowns in this day of age.  In past few years, I’ve seen Walter Payton’s all-time rushing record fall to Emmit Smith.  I’ve seen Corey Dillon break Walter Payton’s single game rushing record.  I’ve seen Jamal Lewis break Corey Dillon’s single game rushing record that Corey Dillon had previously stole from Walter Payton.  I’ve seen Emmit Smith’s most touchdowns in a single season record broke by Marshall Faulk.  I’ve seen Priest Holmes break Marshall Faulk’s single season touchdown record he had stole from Emmit Smith.  I’ve Seen Shaun Alexander break Priest Holmes single season touchdown record which he had stolen from Marshall Faulk, who had previously stolen that record from Emmit Smith.  I’ve seen Jamal Lewis go to jail.  Wait.  I’ve seen Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record almost fall to Jamal Lewis.  I’ve seen Larry Johnson run for 100 yards in consecutive games more than 3 times consecutively.  I’ve extrapolated Larry Johnson’s yards in the second half of the season to a full season and I got "cannot divide by zero".  I wonder where I went wrong.

My round about point here, is that when you’re dealing with statistics, and you sketch yourself a graph.  There should never ever be any mother-fucking reason that you would see asymptotes.  If you see asymptotes then you are most likely doing something wrong.

My other round about point is that the statistics NFL fans should be drooling over right now is the receiving statistics.  More fun than watching records get broke over and over and over.  Is watching a record stand the test of time over and over and over.  The chase; that’s what makes it fun.  Where is the chase in the rushing records?  It’s no fun anymore.  Guess what Charlie Sheen.  I know where the chase is.  It is in the receiving records.  Jerry Rice has Wilt Chaberlained/Kareem Abdul-Jabarred the record books with statistics that seem uncatchable (ha, ya get it? Ya know the thing that I italicized so that you cannot possibly miss my little joke... because seriously, if you didn’t catch that joke that I just made, then one could truly say that you dropped the ball on that one... There I go again; it is becoming a vicious cycle.)  Even the best of receivers of the era are nowhere near him.  Unlike the rushing records, we are given only a small handful of names that can even attempt to match Rice’s stats.  Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, T.O. if he plays forever.  There are a few others.  Nevertheless, they will all have trouble making a run at him, but that is what makes it fun.

And isn’t "fun" what our country is all about?  Isn’t "fun" the reason for being?  The reason for living?  Isn’t it "fun" ending articles off-topic, abruptly, and even mid-senten