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The Comprehensive Guide to Dodging Fliers
by Jason DeShaw

Since I spend almost every day on the University of Washington campus, I have run into quite a few people trying to hand me their fliers, selling everything from religion, to animal rights, to petitions, or just advertising their band's next show.  Now, I'm not saying that any of these things are necessarily bad (although I did go off on one flier in This Was Your Life) but they can be quite annoying.  One benefit though of constantly being bombarded by these fliers is the fact that I have learned quite well how to avoid them.  So for all of you who are tired of having paper pushed in your face on your way to class/work/etc., this is for you!

For the most part, my strategy on dodging fliers consists of what I like to call "The Bumper".  The Bumper acts as a barrier between you and The Flier, shielding you from its wrath.  Just what IS a bumper though?  A Bumper is another human being.  Sadly, to avoid fliers we must sacrifice one of our own.  If you aren't getting it yet, that's ok, because I have drawn up a few examples to elaborate.

The Simple Scenario:

This is the easiest way to avoid a Flier.  The Red X is you, and the O is The Flier.  The key to this whole plan is the Blue X.  That my friend, is The Bumper.  What you must do is get as close as possible to The Bumper as you can.  Also, make sure that the bumper is heading towards the flier as well.  Even if The Bumper isn't going to take the flier, they will catch The Flier's attention, and that's what's important.

When The Flier has The Bumper's attention, make your move.  The Flier won't have enough time to hand out a flier to The Bumper AND you, since you are following so close behind.  As The Bumper slows down or stops to interact with The Flier, you arc around the two and escape to freedom.  Easy as pie and you won't be stuck with the extra garbage to throw away later.

Now that you've got the idea of The Bumper down, let's move on to a common mistake.

The Two Bumper Jumper:

What's better than one Bumper?  If you said two, you might as well go grab a handful of fliers and stuff your pockets because you're doomed.  Perhaps I was a little rough there, because that was sort of a trick question.  There is nothing better than one Bumper (per flier that is, more on that later).  While having more than one Bumper may sound like a good idea, it may lead to your downfall.  I'll explain.

Once again, you are the Red X, Flier is the O, and you now have two Bumpers in Blue.  Now what will happen if you attempt The Two Bumper Jumper is that the second Bumper will actually use the first Bumper as their own Bumper.  Are you following me?  The second Bumper will follow The Simple Scenario to freedom.  By the time you have caught up, the original Bumper is moving on, leaving YOU without any Bumpers and open to the onslaught of fliers.

There are a few ways to avoid this.  If you find yourself in this situation, attempt to move up and pass the second Bumper so you are close behind the first.  This is always a risky move, because you are approaching The Flier even faster, and if you don't manage to pass up the second Bumper you are done for.  Another option, although not always possible, is to attempt to ride out the second Bumper by arcing even further out, around both Bumpers and flier.  This is harder to do in tighter areas due to the lack of flexibility and movement that comes with them.

The Double Dodge:

Now that we have the basics down, we need to try something a little more challenging.  In this scenario we will have two fliers to avoid.  Firstly, make sure that you have TWO Bumpers.  Remember what I said before, one Bumper per Flier.

Now, as you are moving forward, get close behind the second Bumper.  The first Bumper will be hit by the first Flier and the second Bumper will arc to the left in avoidance of the first Flier (following the rules of The Simple Scenario).  Keep following The Bumper towards the second Flier.  The second Bumper will now unknowingly arc right into the attention of the second Flier, which is where you make your move.  You will have to hook a sharp right and shoot right though the two Fliers as their attentions are grabbed by the two Bumpers.  If successful you are home free.

Some possibly things to watch out for in this case is even more Bumpers.  With so many people already here, more Bumpers will just clog the whole area leaving you with no escape route.  So stay quick and stay behind those Bumpers.

Now what happens if there are no Bumpers and you are on your own?  Here is a scenario...

The Outfielder's Dilemma:

Surprisingly, two Fliers can be better than one if you are on your own.

The strategy is to dart your way directly through the two Fliers.  Hopefully, they will fall under the same dilemma as outfielders do when a ball is hit right between them.  Who will catch the ball?  Who will hand out the flier?  The two fumble about wondering which will hand a flier to you, but by the time they figure it out you will be well on your way.

So there you have it, the Comprehensive Guide to Dodging Fliers.  There is one last strategy, but only use it when all of these fail... The "No Thanks" Strategy.