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Immigration, Shmimmigration
By: Alex Anderson

On Monday night the 15th of May (2006... incase you don't keep track) - the President of our United States of America deemed it necessary to address the viewers of CBS and the other major networks, from the oval office, with his idea's about immigration.  Old George actually fumbled through the speech pretty well; there was a certain undeniable cadence to both his voice and simultaneous hand gestures.  All of his thoughts on immigration were surprisingly coherent, albeit crummy, but what could anyone expect?  We hadn't previously seen Bush master either public speaking or good ideas; now how could we expect him to conquer both in just a 15 minute session?

In addressing the nation, Bush inadvertently used his 15 minutes of completely unscheduled air-time to entirely mess up my DVR recordings of the 3 shows following the little talk.  Needless to say, I wasn't too happy about this.  But I tried to be objective while listening to his 5-point plan for what he calls, "Comprehensive Immigration Reform."  Unfortunately, as touched on before, his 5 points were mostly stupid as hell.  I will say that he seemed to take the middle ground on this issue, which was somewhat respectable in the way that he didn't fully prostitute himself out to listeners of the conservative pimps (I really hope people know what usage I'm going for there) that rule talk radio.  On the other hand, regardless of how many metaphorical sexual acts that occurred, I can't say that I agree with his stance on the issue at hand.  Lets take a closer look at some of his proposals for reform and analyze just how well they will work.

1.  The United States must secure its borders.
I like this idea of secure borders.  I think almost all countries have some sort of border control, so why shouldn't our country have it as well.  Not only that, as fat Americans with nice cars and big televisions, why don't we follow our own suit and have the best damn border security in all of the world?

"We will construct high-tech fences in urban corridors and build new patrol roads and barriers in rural areas. We will employ motion sensors, infrared cameras, and unmanned aerial vehicles to detect and respond to illegal crossings."

HOT DOG!  That sounds brilliant!  Or at least a whole lot better than what we have currently.  Which apparently is something reminiscent of the gorillas riding on horseback throwing nets and shooting at prehistoric humans, as in the 1968 film rendering of Planet of the Apes.  Who knew?  But, what is the point in this?  People will manage their way inside regardless, so why spend more money that we don't have on it?

2. To secure our border, we must create a temporary worker program
Interesting, a temporary worker program where people can work in the United States to earn money for their families back home.  Sounds pretty good, other than the whole taking the money back to their country thing.  At least this shoots down immigrants' argument that by working here they are contributing to our economy.  Now all the money they make goes from U.S. employers to Mexico City commercial venues.  Am I missing something here?  We're going to let them work here, but then we're going to boot them back over?  Wouldn't it make more sense to just have the ones that are working stay here and buy things like normal Americans?  Its like the whole indentured servant thing, expect without all the perks.  Whatever.

3. We need to hold employers to account for the workers they hire - HUH?
"Comprehensive Immigration Reform Must Include A Tamper-Resistant Identification Card For Every Legal Foreign Worker So Businesses Can Verify The Legal Status Of Their Employees. This card should use biometric technology, such as digital fingerprints, to make it tamper-proof. This would leave employers with no excuse for violating the law, and it would help us enforce the law."

If the whole flux-capacitor thing didn't make my point clear here then I really don't know what will.  How much money and technology are we going to waste on not making people citizens?  Its a fucking waste.  I'm not even trying to take a side (liberal or conservative) here, but seriously.  This plan is just not economically sound.  Say I open a shoe store.  I spend money on the employees, the building, the shoes, and the advertising - I'm probably fucked, because shoes really aren't that profitable to my knowledge, but at the very least, I now have a product, something that I can sell to pay for the Al Bundy, mall space rent, Nike's, and billboards.  Hell, maybe I even turn a profit.  I believe that most economically sound ideas will follow a format similar to this.  I just don't see it with the whole, "come to our country, we'll give you a high-tech card and we'll make sure you come across the border with it by flying helicopters above you and shooting infrared beams of light in your general direction and then send you back to your country with a fat wallet to buy some tacos for your family" idea.  Maybe I'm just blind.

4.  We must deal with the millions of illegal immigrants already here
Oh yeah, finally at objective numero four we are reminded of the supposed problem behind all of this.  Bush believes that the illegal immigrants that are already here should pay a penalty for breaking the law.  Well, what?  What the fuck penalty do we put on them, while keeping them here?  How about, children of illegal immigrants who would normally be declared citizens because of that rule are also illegal and aren't allowed to go to college, or work in jobs that pay minimum wage.  That sounds like a fair penalty.  What the hell?  He accomplished nothing here.  This isn't a plan.  He said that there is a difference between someone who has been working here for years and someone who just ran across the border last night.  Well?  Define it.  What's the exact difference?  How many fucking years of work must be under your belt to be eligible to apply for citizenship?  How about 5 years?  Then what the hell do you do with the fuckers that have been here 4 and 1/2 years?  We can't stick our dicks up the asses of people who are only 1/2 year away.  Where's the line in the sand, man?  This point of reformation, is hardly a point at all.  It leaves more questions that can ever be answered.  Maybe theoretically its the just way of doing things, but it will never work.  Stupid!

5. We must honor the great American tradition of the melting pot
He just included this one so that it would be a 5 point plan for reformation rather than 4.  Clearly this is pointless.  We must honor other people's heritage while making them adopt our common history and our flag and blah blah.  Whatever.  The so called melting pot is something that more or less cannot be controlled.  The way we mix with one another OVER TIME is what makes the melting pot; its not like we can force the issue any.  Hurry up and learn our language so that you can melt with the rest of us!  What a bunch of Bologna, Italy.

As you can see, George Bush's plan is pretty retarded, for lack of a more diminishing word.  All of his ideas seem uncompleted.  Almost like Dennis Kucinich in the last Democratic primaries... he'd be like, "I want healthcare for not only every American but for all people and animals too, and even undiscovered organisms on planets light-years away."  THE CROWDS GO WILD WITH CHEERS!!!  Then a journalism student from some community college would be like, "How do you plan to pay for it?"  And the quick thinking Kucinich would slap back, "I'll tell you how,... I'm going to lower taxes and and make schools better and shoot rainbows out my ass, in fact, I don't think that we should have taxes at all, and I'm buying crab legs for everyone at this damn convention over at Red Lobster across town when we get out of here!"  THE CROWDS GET CONFUSED, AND THEY RUN AWAY!!!  Sorry George, its just not going to work.

Don't worry people of the world.  Have no fear, Alex is present.  I may not understand writing mechanisms like rhyming, but the hell if I can't solve our nation's problem with illegal immigrants.  It's all so easy.  I have a less complicated 2 point plan for reformation of immigration here in the States.

1. The Great Wall Part: 2
According to a very out-dated version of Trivial Pursuit, the Great Wall of China is the only man made structure visible from the moon.  Well, move over random ancient Chinese dynasty, because you have got yourself some competition.  America will build a wall that will stretch about 1,951 miles as a buffer between Mexico and ourselves; it will be way better than your putrid attempt at a wall, (a laughable 3,948 miles).  Wait.  Okay, so move over great wall between residential homes in Fargo, ND and Intersate-94 traffic (about 1.5 miles.)  The point is, it will be a really big wall.  It will be super tall, I mean, like, double whatever the Chinese wall is.  Well, what about the cost?  Am I really that big of a hypocrite?  Fuck no.  The wall will surely cost a ton of money as far as material is concerned, but with a wall this big, we won't have to worry about illegal immigrants any more.  A wall solves everything, it's an instance of opportunity cost.  But the best is yet to come.  Who will build such an enormous wall, how well will these positions pay, how can this be afforded?  This is my favorite part of the plan.  DRUM ROLL PLEASE!  ... Illegal Immigrants...  Yes, that's right, illegal immigrants will forge away at constructing an enormous wall between Mexico and the U.S.A.  Ironic?  Who cares?  And not only do we not have to worry about equal wages; we don't have to pay them at all.  We provide food and that's it, when a worker has worked on the wall for a certain amount of time, then they become citizens automatically.  Once a citizen they can stop working on the wall.  All illegal immigrants found in the United States while the wall is incomplete will be shipped to help complete the wall or if they so chose, back to their homeland.  Illegal immigrants found after the wall is complete...

2. Amnesty For None
If you are found in the country after the wall has been completed, then you can go the fuck home.  Do it right, we gave you your chance at citizenship with the ungodly large wall.  If you are found in the U.S. as an illegal, then you'll have to do it the old-fashioned way.  Laws are laws, the wall is your only ticket for pardon.  Of course, after the wall is built there won't be much need for such harsh laws, because the people that want to be here will have already paid their dues on the wall.  As for the problem with American employers hiring illegals to work for below minimum wage... they will be placed on the opposite side of the wall, in Mexico.  They will lose their American citizenship and will be given a temporary job in Mexico that will lead to becoming a Mexican citizen.  (Note:  Mexico will go along with this, because they will readily accept America's conditions of the building of the wall.)  After they have their citizenship in Mexico they can apply with the other Mexicans for legal immigration to the United States...

As is usually the case, I have come up with a flawless plan to fix my countries problems.  Clearly, I am the most awesome person alive.  But alas...

My real motivation for a wall...

I'm beginning to think that the person who taught me how to use Photoshop was an illegal immigrant.  Oh well.