A little rain never hurt anyone, so the saying goes.  Come to think of it, a moderate amount of rain has probably never hurt anyone.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say that a tremendous amount of rain has only hurt a handful of people at most.  And before you go off on me with such examples as Hurricane Katrina, let me remind you that I'm talking about rain here folks, not floods or hurricanes, plain simple rain.

I live in Seattle.  I know rain.

What am I getting at with all of this?  Well I'll tell you.  Umbrellas.  "You mean those helpful tools that have bettered human society?" you may ask?  NO!  They by no means have helped anyone ever.  Well, maybe once, a long time ago, but not within the last few decades, that's for sure!

"So Jason, what is your big problem with umbrellas?" you might ask, and I might ask you back just how you got so involved in me writing my article!?  Just sit back and leave the typing to me.  What's wrong with umbrellas is on that the scale weighs much more heavily on the "problems made" side than the "problems solved" side.

Umbrellas are meant to keep you from getting wet in the rain.  That is fine and all, but how effective are they really?  If it is raining hard enough for you to warrant an umbrella, most likely you aren't going to stay dry anyways.  Sure, you may keep your shoulders up dry, but below that all bets are off.  More than likely your umbrella will just turn inside out leaving you to look quite foolish.  You see, this is a thing about umbrellas most people forget, they aren't even that useful!

I live in Seattle.  I know umbrellas.

One problem with umbrellas is their sheer size.  A person using an umbrella takes up at minimum quadruple the amount of space as someone who is not using an umbrella.  Walking around sidewalks filled with people holding numerous umbrellas of different sizes and shapes is quite the annoyance.  It takes an already small space to talk and makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere.

Umbrellas are more than annoying though, they are in fact quite dangerous.  Umbrellas practically shout, "I'M HARD, SHARP, AND I'M AIMING RIGHT AT YOUR EYE!"  These spinning wheels of death are perhaps the most dangerous thing I come across during the day.  Getting to where I want to go on a rainy day is more like a war zone than a leisurely walk.  Now I measure in at 6' 1" (that is, six foot one inch, incase I don't remember what the correct symbols for feet and inches are) and my eyes are at the prime height for impalement.  Here is a highly detailed scientific picture what I am saying.

As you can see, the umbrella is clearly going into my eye and furthermore, has apparently made me lose a few fingers and grow to an enormous size.  Come on folks, look at the blood spurt!  And that girl doesn't even care!  You can't deny the accuracy of this picture.  Now, I'm already down one sense, I don't need to lose my sight as well.

Now, I think umbrellas would be justified incase of an emergency.  An emergency would equal something like, you were out and about and didn't know it was going to rain and you were unprepared.  But, if you live in Seattle, and its between September and June, you should be prepared.  You should never go outside and be surprised its raining.  That goes for any region where it rains a lot.

You should never look out the window, see a bunch of rain and think, "Well, time to grab my umbrella!"  Here's an idea, instead of grabbing an umbrella and poking out someone's eye and getting in everyone else's way and causing a huge people jam and an obstacle course just so you can keep your precious body dry, how about you just GET A RAIN COAT.  What are these... what were they again?... rain... coats...?  They are pretty ingenious actually.  You see, they wrap around your body to protect you from getting wet.  Instead of using the artificial ceiling method where rain can swoop around and get you wet anyways, these rain coats cover your whole body and usually come with a hood to cover your precious little head as well.

So come on people, let's get it together here.  Less umbrellas equals more room to walk and more unpunctured eyes for everyone, because really, has a little rain ever hurt anyone?  No, no it hasn't.  Trust me.

I live in Seattle.  I know rain.