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How to Calculate Your Douche Level
by Jason DeShaw

Douche [doosh] noun  - 1. a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes.  2. an instrument, as a syringe, for administering it.  3. a level of measurement related to the amount of idiocy, self-centeredness, arrogance, lack of intelligence, and head-shake-ability.

I'm sure you have often wondered, "Wow, I'm a douche, but just how Douche-y am I?"  Well, after many years of observing varying levels of Douche, I finally compiled all of my information to create what is known as The Douche Calculator.  Simply go through the Check-list o' Doucheness, add up your score, and apply it to the table at the bottom.  Therein lies your Douche Level.

3 Points - Accelerating quickly from a stop in a motorized vehicle - This is when you are at a complete stop, waiting either for a car or pedestrians to pass.  If, when the objects in question pass, you put "the pedal to the metal" and blast off like you have something better to do then wait around for these passer-bys to take up your valuable time, earn 3 points.  Bonus - 2 points - Revving your engine.

1 Point (Cumulative) - Abercrombie and/or Fitch - Quick take a look at your clothes.  For each article of clothing with Abercrombie and/or Fitch on them, gain one point.  Don't worry though, at least you can sleep well knowing you are conforming to the standard of your peers and the media, making you "cool".

2 Points - The Pink Shirt - Note: this applies to men only.  If you are wearing a Pink Shirt, gain 2 more points.  Nothing says, "I'm so insecure about my manliness that I'm going to wear a pink shirt to attempt to pull off that I am so secure about my manliness I can wear a pink shirt," than a pink shirt.

3 Points - Having more than 5 Points - If you already have more than 5 points, gain an additional 3 points, because you are already a douche.

X - 2 Points - The Unbuttoned Shirt - Count up the number of buttons that are undone on your shirt, then subtract that number by two (no negatives).  If you are not wearing a shirt underneath that shirt, gain that many points.  Nobody wants to see your hairy/hairless chest.  Bonus - 2 Points - Holding a musical instrument.

2 Points - The Scooter - Look down at your feet.  If you are riding a scooter and are more than 15 years of age, gain 2 more points.  Bonus - 5 Points - If you were the guy that shouted something inaudible, then attempted to do some sort of trick on your scooter and crashed to the ground at my feet while I was on my way to class, thinking of things I could put on my Douche Calculator, gain 5 points.  Thank you.

1 Point - Camera Phone - If you have ever taken a picture using your phone and tried to show someone, gain 1 point.  I don't want to see your fuzzy, indistinguishable images.

3 Points - Writing a Douche Article - Are you currently typing up an article about how everyone else is a Douche?  Gain 3 points... Dammit!

5 Points - Hypocrisy - Quick, take a look in the mirror.  Are you going to cry yourself to sleep tonight because you've gone against your own ideals because you don't have enough moral fiber to just do what you want instead of what somebody else wants?  Gain 5 points!

Alllll right everyone, time to add up your score!  Check out the table below to find out how much of a Douche you are!