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Sports Analysts:  Retarded?
by Brady Lewis

I love sports analysts.  They always come up with the best things to say.

I heard it all week.  I couldn’t believe that so many people actually jumped on this bandwagon, but they did.  It was ridiculous.  Sports analysts had actually convinced people that the almost impossible would happen.

They made people think that the Chiefs would destroy the Colts in the opening round of the playoffs.

Anyone who fell into this trap, and parroted this belief leading up to the game, should never be allowed to speak on sports matters again.  Ever.  The very idea of it is incredibly retarded. 

Some of you may be thinking "Why is it retarded?  There are many reasons why the Chiefs would destroy the Colts, it just didn’t turn out that way."  Oh really?  Let’s make a short rundown of the reasons the analysts said the Chiefs would destroy the Colts.

1. The Colts have the worst run defense in the history of EVER, and so Larry Johnson would rush for eleventy billion yards.
2. Because of this record setting day that Johnson was immediately guaranteed to have, the Chiefs would control the “time of possession” stat, and Peyton Manning would never get a chance to hurt them.
3. Peyton Manning can’t win the big game.
4. Peyton Manning is the only player on the Colts.
5. Peyton Manning can’t win the big game.
6. Peyton Manning Peyton Manning Peyton Manning Peyton Manning.
7. Larry Johnson > God
8. Peyton Manning

When I heard all these well thought out arguments, I immediately knew how lame they were. 

I admit that I figured that Larry Johnson would get his 100 yards and a touchdown.  However, he wasn’t going to win this game by himself.  You can’t run the ball 100% of the time and win the game.  I don’t care how bad the run defense is, you just can’t do it.  It is really that simple. 

Time of possession is also the most bullshit stat ever.  Analysts make such a big deal out of time of possession, when in reality it doesn’t make any difference.  Just as many teams win games as lose them when they have an advantage in time of possession.  Defensive and special teams plays that either (a) give very good field position, or (b) score a touchdown are the real keys to playoff football, and these cut down on time of possession immensely.  No matter what analysts say, running the football isn’t critical in the playoffs.  The real key is special teams and turnovers, neither of which bolster the time of possession stat.  Time of possession, what a fucking joke.

Is Peyton Manning incapable of winning the big games?  Perhaps.  I’m not sure.  But you know what I am sure of?  A FIRST ROUND GAME AGAINST THE FUCKING CHIEFS ISN’T A BIG GAME.  If he’s going to lose, it will be against the Patriots. 

And no one talks about the other players on the Colts.  You’d think that Manning carried them into the playoffs because they are not that good.  Nowhere did I hear how Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne would carve up that weak secondary.  Nowhere did I hear how Joseph Addai would be able to run draws all day long because of the awesome offensive line and the threat of the pass.

And of course, I certainly didn’t hear that Trent Green would get sacked twelve times when they were forced to throw.  That never registered, did it?  That wasn’t on the radar because they should never have to throw the ball.  No one took into account that the Colts have one of the best pass defenses in the league this year.  That didn’t matter, because the Chiefs would not throw one single pass the entire game. 

The Chief’s defense was middle of the road this season.  In fact, they were right in the middle, as they ranked 16^th in total defense.  What does this tell us?  This tells us that they can beat the teams they should, but that an elite offense like the Colts can rip them apart when they find the weakness.  Which they did.

The truth of the matter is this.  The Colts came into the playoffs 12-4 with one real weakness:  run defense.  The Chiefs limped into the playoffs with a 9-7 record, and required 3 things to happen in order for them to even get in.  They got lucky and it all happened.  They could have just as easily not made the playoffs.

12-4 juggernaut with one weakness vs. 9-7 mediocrity.  It should have been so obvious, you fucks.

Yet you overanalyzed it.  You did it so that you could look smart when it came true.  The worst part of it all was, you all thought that it was so original to pick the Chiefs in this game.  You all thought you were the only ones picking the Chiefs, that you were all different from the rest, that this was what was going to make you look so smart. 

I picked the Colts.  I picked the Colts by 20, as a matter of fact.  I told my dad before the game.  I told him what I have posted here.  The lesson here is that most of the time, the obvious choice is obvious for a reason.

Given enough time, I’m sure ESPN would find a reason why Pat Garrity would beat Michael Jordan one-on-one.