I was once in a class discussing the reasons why, a country that is in such poverty, and despair could have a literacy rate so high.  The conclusion reached, was that these countries flat out lied about it.  However, I disagree; it's my theory, that the illiterate of a given country, do not participate in such polls, of whom can read and whom cannot, because they are unable to read the questionnaire, and are therefore not counted in the statistic of those able to read, and unable to read.

Have you ever wondered, why at restaurants, they always give you large glasses, filled to the rim with pop, water, or whatever,  and how buffets tend to have miniature glasses, that must be refilled quite often.  I have thought this many times, and it still puzzles me to this day.  It just doesn't make a whole lot sense.  Since fountain pop is extraordinarily cheaper than food, you'd think that at a buffet, they'd want you to fill up with pop, so that you will stop eating the food.  Similarly, you'd think that a restaurant would not like you to ever fill up with pop, because they want you to keep ordering food.

The infamous Fargo Dome would like to present to you... The Incubus on Ice Musical.

Alright, so I get this speakeasy, we'll call it Alex's Speakeasy. It works like so, the building itself is called Tarp-Co. It's a business that centers around selling those blue tarps that cover ugly cars in people's back yards. Imagine it now, the police officer walks in, looking for a tarp to cover his 1976 boat motor. He points at a tarp display, and says he'll take it. I go into the back to get the box down, that has the desired tarp inside, I sell the man his tarp, and he is on his way. Now actually, nobody buys fucking tarps, but that was just a theoretical thing, the only idiots who'd go into the store in the first place, are the idiots that are hopped up on drugs, and looking for more drugs. That's where I come in, under all these tarp displays, are boxes, yes that's right, boxes. Boxes full of alcohol, marijuana, pornography, and any other illegal substances I can get my hands on. The business aspect of it all is pretty obvious, but I'm sure you have doubts. You say, "but what if somebody rats on you?" Well, the answer is simple, if a cop walks in and tries to arrest me, I run for it, and make my getaway in my van, that is covered in a specially made, camouflage tarp. I blend in with everything, and make, my way to the coast, where I live happily with the left over substances, and the money earned from my clever speakeasy.

For those who know me, you know my hair has a certain quality that other people's hair may lack. It's thick and full, it's curly, it's wild and crazy, but most importantly, it's one of the rarest forms of curly hair around. The idea is this, I grow out my hair, abnormally long, and cut it all off, then make products out of it, such as t-shirts, and carpet, I could even fill pillows, or mattresses with it. I then sell these rare "imports" at an extremely high price, making the value of my hair skyrocket, and making me a wealthy bald man.

Warning:  Reading the following may make you laugh, but it will probably just disgust you.  Okay, we have all seen the play dough things, where you put the dough in one end, and depending on the attachment, you put at the other end, the dough comes out looking like spaghetti, or a spiral, or whatever.  The same idea can be applied to the human body, you put food in, and it comes out as a normal, rather boring, shape that is somewhat cylindrical, but what if there were butt attachments available to you, you could put on the spaghetti attachment, and really have a blast in the bathroom.  I thinks it's high time that we make taking a shit a little bit more interesting, and I think most all would agree with that statement.

I think what the world needs most of all is a tongue cast, for when you break your tongue. People will take their sharpie, and write a little note, it will make the recovery a lot smoother. You say that you cannot break your tongue, I say pish-posh.

The Universal Coupon is a coupon that would be allowed anywhere, and would make anything free. It works like stealing, you hand them the coupon, they either accept it and you get the product, or they stand there in dismay as you make off with your brand new toothbrush, hamburger, automobile, etc.

What if instead of locking up the guilty for life, we make use of them, yeah, you guessed it, I want to make a life size game of foosball. Materials needed: 25 inmates, very large metal beams, duct tape.

Tupac the animated series. Plot development is in the works.

So there we are, sitting at the lunch table, when all of a sudden we all yell out at once, "THE PIXEL RULER." It was something like that. Anyways, The Pixel Ruler is pretty self-explanatory, it's just this normal ruler, except it doesn't have your centimeters and inches, it has your pixels, 1000 of them. This is your fucking information age, and along with with the computers, and fancy toaster-ovens, comes a responsibility. The responsibility to learn how to describe distances in pixels. If you're not willing, then you may as well kill yourself, or give me all your money.

To expand on the Pixel Ruler, as described directly above, since a pixel is a rather small measure of distance, we will need to have a kilo-pixel, which is the equivalent of 1000 pixels. That way when the pixel becomes the accepted measurement system, we can put up kilo-pixel markers on the sides of the highways to replace the retarded mile markers.

Okay, so one day I was struggling with this damn map, and the stupid little scale that they had. My Lord, 1 inch = 100 miles, who's gonna understand that crap? I'll tell you who,... nobody. So anyways, the solution is quite obvious, I'll type it out, but only for my own health. We need to make, an actual scale map of the world; one that we can look at, and tell how far it is to the our destination, without worrying about the stupid scale. Jeez, I can't believe nobody else has thought of that yet.

Alright, getting back to completely legitimate products that I wish I could make, but I probably won't and will end up being stolen from this very site, just to spite me and my colleagues. Yeah, I don't have colleagues, I just like to sound cool. Anyways, the idea is an expansion of an existing product; the pop machine. The pop machine is an alright idea in itself, but we add a genius twist. Two liters! Yeah, that's right, the 20-ounce pop dispenser is overrated. I mean sure, the machines are going to have to be a teensy bit bigger, for everything to run smoothly, but it's well worth it. It's a fucking two liter. Come on... come on.

Top Secret Operation (Not Available To Public Through Medium Such As Internet):  Step 1: Put high definition flat screen television in place of top of desk.  Step 2: Put a DVD-drive somewhere on the desk.  Step 3: Use camouflage tarp to make desk blend in like normal. Step 4: When test day rolls around, bring answer-DVD (DVD disc with all test answers) along with you. Step 5: Put disc in, and ace the test.  Possible Bugs: No such tarp, no test answers, no funds for expensive equipment.  Conclusion: School has ruined the flow of good ideas that pass through my brain.