Contra Rules Ass!
by Alex Anderson

Information:

Introduction:

The year is 1957.  A large object from outer space crashes into Earth's Amazon basin, near ancient Mayan ruins - world revered scientists label the collision as mere trivial cosmic occurrence.  The episode is soon forgotten.

Flash forward, the year is 1987.  An evil force, supposedly led by a hideous monster and trademarked by alien henchman, is now advancing in the Amazon region.  The troops of military bases in proximity are scared absolutely shitless.

With the universe in obvious danger, United States President: Ronald Reagan, sits in a conference room kicking back shots of whiskey while devising a plan to defeat the evil before it can spread.  Fearing political instability, it becomes apparent that a full fledged assault on this terrorist group is not an option.  With negotiations going nowhere, Reagan decides it is time to make the only move left on the board.  That is, send out two of America's most highly trained badass special commando units to the Amazon to show this posse of alien shit-bags what happens when posses of alien shit-bags show up and try to take over the universe.

Within 24 hours the plan would commence, and our badass commandos, ahem, Lance (Scorpion) and Bill (Mad Dog), would be dropped via helicopter into the dark jungle of the almighty Amazon.

And so the journey began...


Review:

I really don't even know where to start, let me just say right away, that Contra is a sweet game to say the least.  From the intro you know that you play the role of a commando sent into the Amazon to kick alien ass.  What you didn't learn from the intro is that you'll be doing this topless, wearing only tight leather pants (either blue or red, depending on character) and a matching bandana.

The first level is simple.  Lance and Bill stroll shirtless through the Jungle kicking the living fuck out of inferior enemy alien soldiers with weapons such as the Machine Gun Falcon, Fireball Falcon, and finally the high-brow Spread Gun Falcon, which is commonly regarded as the best weapon available.  The game soon becomes more difficult as the commandos make their way through a Snow Field and Hangar on their way to the Alien Lair.  Upon reaching the Alien Lair, our heroes finally meet up with the Vile Red Falcon, where they proceed to destroy all chambers of his massive heart.

The game ends with a sweet cinematic in which the island explodes, just as our heroes' helicopter flies off.

As a final portrayal of this game's sheer awesomeness, I must add, that you can blow up rocks by simply shooting at them.  I mean, that's just fucking cool.

Still not convinced that Contra rules ass?  Let's see how it stacks up against another side scrolling phenomenon of the time...  Super Mario Brothers.

That table basically sums up my argument; I'll let you decide.

I definitely suggest that you buy this game, and when I say "buy", I mean that you should download an emulator, and you should download the Contra ROM, because Konami is much too focused on this new "Metal Gear Solid" hoopla to give a fuck about Contra.

People have criticized me for attempting to be like Maddox by putting this final statement here... I, in turn, didn't care.

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