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Life in the Upper Midwest

Chapter Two:  Meet the Press

"THIS is what you call helping me succeed?!"

Frustration was setting in after only the first day.  I knew that my new bosses had no knowledge about football, but this was fucking ridiculous.

"You give me the Fargo Liberty to build from?!  This is the NFL, not some part-time, half-assed, semi-pro bullshit!  The only way this team works is if Keanu Reeves is the quarterback!"

"Look, I know it isn’t the ideal situation," the bossman responds, "but these aren’t ideal circumstances.  This was the best we could get on short notice.  I thought you could build from this core with a few free agents---"

"A FEW FREE AGENTS?!  TRY FORTY FREE AGENTS!  There are maybe five guys down there that I can keep on the roster.  MAYBE.  You had better be willing to spend some money on this team, because no one is going to come watch the Fargo Liberty get annihilated every week.  Which reminds me, we are taking a new team name.  And new colors.  NDSU colors."

"Ok, ok, look, we can spend money on free agents.  Just at least take a look at the Liberty roster before you spend a ton of money.  Please?"

". . .Fine.  I’ll take what I can but I don’t guarantee anything.  I’ll talk to you later."

I hang up and turn to Alex, my new assistant GM.  "Incredible.  Well, we’d best get down there and take a look at what we have."

*    *    *

As I reach the practice field, two wide receivers collide while running crossing patterns.  I bury my face in my hands for a few seconds in bewilderment.  "Alex, hold that clipboard tightly and be ready to cross off names as fast as I give them."

I point to the receivers on the ground.  "You two, you’re cut."  Another receiver drops a ball to my left.  "You, too, asshands."

We wander around some more, observing.  "Any defensive back that can’t run a 4.5 40 is cut as well."  Movement catches my eye downfield.  "HEY, DEFENSIVE LINEMEN, THE TACKLING DUMMY SHOULD NEVER WIN, YOU’RE ALL CUT!"

"The kicker and punter are just about to warm up," Alex tells me while looking at his watch.

"Cut them, I don’t even need to see them."

After about fifteen minutes, I have my roster down to six players, none of whom I can imagine starting. 

"I thought we were going to take a look at these players somewhat," Alex comments.

"I have ten days to get this team ready for preseason.  I gave them the correct amount of time given how much time I have."

Of course, had I been given six months, I suppose fifteen minutes would still have been the correct amount of time.

I ponder my options at this point.  "Alex, call the NFLPA.  I want a list of phone numbers for every free agent out there in 2 hours."  As I watch him walk away, I think for a few seconds, then shout, "And a list of retired players’ phone numbers!"

You never know who wants to make a comeback these days.

*    *    *

Sleep is one of those underrated things in life.

You lay unconscious for hours at a time, accomplishing nothing for society. 

I miss sleep.

I’m on day four of solid, straight contract negotiations.  It would help if I knew what I was doing.

The first few guys I tried to negotiate with.  This was taking too long.  I wanted my team together for at least one week of practice before the preseason.  After the first few negotiations, I realized that would not happen unless I changed my tactics.

Basically I gave almost every player what they wanted.  I probably overpaid for some players, but I didn’t care.  As of an hour ago, I have a team.  Mostly.

"We still need a few players to fill in the gaps," Alex tells me.  "And we could probably use a starting quarterback."

"I tried to find us a quarterback.  There is no one out there that can help us."

"We need someone who can actually play football.  We can’t do that with Adrian McPherson and a holdover from the Liberty."

"I know," I groan with my face in my hands, "but I couldn’t get anyone to come out of retirement.  Jeff George won’t sign cause ‘expansion teams never have an offensive line.’  Jeff Blake is actually content in retirement.  Randal Cunningham is no where near playing shape.  Doug Flutie had his blood tested, and he is out of midi-chlorians.  There is just no one left."

"That leaves the free agents."

"There is no one there worth starting.  Hell, none of them have starting experience."

"Oh, there is one guy out there.  He started a few seasons. . ."

"No."

". . .has a pretty strong arm. . ."

"No."

". . .and he’s mobile, so the weak o-line won’t be that bad."

"I said no."

"You know you have to sign him.  We don’t have much choice.  Not only that, but you know he gets a bad beat everywhere.  He really can play."

"Alex, I refuse to make this happen.  I would rather roll the dice with McPherson than go with that man.  He’s dumb as a sack of hammers and makes terrible decisions.  No way can he lead this team."

*    *    *

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am Brady Lewis, master and commander of this new franchise.  I know you have a lot of questions, and I will take as many as I can.  Let us start with you, in the red tie."

"Yes, Mr. Lewis, you settled on the name the ‘Fargo Trains.’  Why trains?"

"We wanted to pick something intimidating.  In North Dakota, the most intimidating things are tractors, which tear off limbs of farmers, and trains, which kill stumbling drunks.  I figure there is a larger population of NFL players who are stumbling drunks than are farmers, so we went with Trains.  You, with the hooky nose."

"What do you say to the people who claim you stole the Green Bay Packers’ team colors?"

"That is a slanderous lie.  We stole NDSU’s colors, who probably stole them from John Deere.  You, in the old person glasses."

"We’ve been told that your team is entirely put together, but the roster has not been released yet.  When can we expect that?"

"My roster will be released to the media the day before our first preseason game.  I would like to evaluate my players before I have a depth chart for the preseason.  This depth chart will change accordingly as the preseason progresses until a final roster is set for the regular season.  You, with the hairpiece."

"Do you have a coaching staff yet?"

"I do have a staff.  Being the generous guy that I am, I hired the entire Vikings’ staff."

"What about Childress?  If you are the head coach, what does that make him?"

"Since I am the head coach, and playcaller, and I have coordinators for offense, defense, and special teams, that head coach position will now be referred to as ‘team coordinator.’  He will act as head coach in my absence and in practices, but I will have more authority and he will be using my schemes on both sides of the ball.  Basically he is there to make sure everything is implemented smoothly during the week.  Last question, you, in the oversized cowboy hat."

"Can you at least tell us who your starting quarterback is?"

". . .no comment.  Thank you all for coming."

*    *    *

There has been a slight rules change.

I forgot that when you switch the settings to All-Madden difficulty, it automatically turns on the passing cone.  For those of you who are unaware, the passing cone is basically your quarterback’s field of vision.  It is a feature that makes sense on one hand, as you can’t throw accurately into an area unless your passing cone points there.  However, it is also kind of dumb because you have to maneuver it around to where you need it. 

I personally cannot stand this feature, as you have so little time in the pocket as it is.  Therefore, the difficulty setting will be moved down to All-Pro.  To compensate for this lower difficulty, I have adjusted the other settings, moving the computer’s abilities way up and my own way down.  After a few testing sessions I believe I have found a good balance so that it will be competitive. 

I hope this is the last rules change I will make. 

Chapter Three: A Cunning Plan that Cannot Fail >>