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Life in the Upper Midwest

Chapter Three:  A Cunning Plan that Cannot Fail

"I recommend that you turn your radio to sports talk.  We may have a problem."

I set down the phone and turn the dial to the Dan Hammer show.

"---unqualified.  I said it before the break, but I’ll reiterate for those just joining us.  This ownership group actually put this team in the hands of someone who has no experience doing, well, quite frankly, ANYTHING.  Any one of you listeners could have been taken and would do the same job.  What was this ownership thinking? 

"We did our research into this guy’s past.  I mean, someone has to.  Who has ever heard of this guy?  All we could find on him is that he used to be a janitor.  By some miracle we have an NFL team in Fargo, and it is being run by a former janitor?  They couldn’t find anyone else?  I can see right now that this team will be just as mismanaged as any Minnesota team has been for the past decade. 

"Let’s take a look at who is available for this job in the first place.  Plenty of coaches and GMs are on the market.  Just take a---"

I shut it off and pick up the phone again.  "So what do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to hold a press conference and explain yourself a little better.  Show them that you know what you are doing."

"That’s the problem, boss.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING."

"You’re doing fine so far.  I hear that practices are going well."

"Not as well as I’d hoped.  Defensively our front seven can hold up somewhat, but our secondary is weak.  I signed mainly a bunch of young guys hoping they’d mature for next season.  Offensively we have very little semblance of a line, we have one receiver worth a damn, a rookie running back, and a young quarterback in over his head."

"You mean McPherson?"

"Yeah.  He is incredibly athletic, but he isn’t accurate on his throws.  I’m also hoping he can develop for next year.  Although that kid from the Liberty isn’t looking too bad, he might actually beat him out."

"So you are already throwing this season away, then?  You don’t think there is any hope of winning anything?"

"Not with this team.  We need real free agents, not the leftovers that no one wanted.  We also need a draft class.  We are weak at every position on offense, and our secondary, while fast and young, is inexperienced."

"Are there any veterans out there you can sign to help you win this season?"

"Some, but I’d rather get the young players ready for next season."

"No.  Try to win this season.  Sign who you need."

"You can’t be serious."

"I am very serious.  Not only do I want to win games, but you need to win games.  I’m already getting calls to fire you and hire someone with actual qualifications.  Winning early will help put the fans’ minds at ease.  Plus, if you don’t win, I’ll probably have to fire you just from the flack I’ll get from the media."

". . . ok, fine.  I can TRY to win, but I make no guarantees.  Even with veterans, there isn’t enough talent for everything.  However, what am I going to do for a press conference?  All I can really do is stand up there and tell them that no, I have no qualifications."

"I’m sure you’ll think of something.  You always seem to.  Talk to you later."

"Yeah, later."

I hang up, then dial Alex.

"You win.  Call your quarterback, he’s got a job."

*    *    *

"What we are about to discuss does not leave my office.  That is why you signed the confidentiality agreement.  If you tell anyone about this meeting, or about the stipulations of whatever contract you sign here today, I can and will sue you for everything you have. 

"Now, down to business.  You have had some problems keeping your act together in the past.  It isn’t that other college superstars didn’t do what you did, it is just that you were dumb enough to get caught.  For that alone no one should sign you to any sort of contract.

"No, don’t say anything yet.  I know what you are going to say.  You want to tell me that you’ve cleaned up your act; that you’ve changed, that you are more mature now and came out of your experiences wiser for them.  Don’t feed me that line of garbage, because I don’t buy it.

"I also sincerely hope that it isn’t true.

"I want to sign you for two reasons.  The less important reason is that you have untapped athletic potential that can help shore up my wide receiver position.  You’ll be low on the depth chart, but your athleticism will allow you to backup many other positions as well.  I like that versatility.

"However, the main reason I want you on this team is for the distraction you represent.  As you are probably well aware, my ability to lead and run this team is being questioned by everyone.  Attention needs to be drawn away from this, otherwise I’ll be too swamped with reporters to do my job properly. 

"So what does that mean for you?  I just want you to be yourself.  Do what you’ve been doing and all the focus will be on you.  In fact, I’ve prepared a team to help you get attention.  Hell, when your usual antics stop working, this team will help stage some new ones. 

"It is all in the contract I have for you.  You must distract the media at least once a week.  Do something stupid at all times.  If you can do this, you have a job."

He signs the contract and slides it to me across my desk.

"I’m glad we have come to terms.  I’ll have the fake contract sent to your agent."

Two men walk in, wearing suits and dark shades.

"Meet Mr. Nelson and Mr. Kamps.  They will be your team.  Consult them at all times appropriate."

We both rise from our seats.  I extend my hand, and he takes it.

"Welcome to the Fargo Trains, Marcus Vick.  And remember:  this meeting never happened."

*    *    *

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming.  I’m sure you have lots of questions covering a wide array of subjects, so I will try to address those now before the Q&A part. 

"First of all, the depth charts will be passed out to you as you leave the premises.  A question from last week was---"

"Is what Mr. Hammer reporting about you true?  Do you have any right to run this team?  Why should we listen---"

"Mr. Gagelin, please remove that man from the premises.  Do not give him a depth chart.

"That is what happens when you speak out of turn.  Also, he will not be coming back here for any other conferences. 

"As for Mr. Hammer, I’d be more concerned about the fact that he called the tragic deaths of the Vikings and the surrounding population a ‘miracle.’

"Anyway, as I was saying, the question came up last week about our quarterback situation.  Now, let me say to my fellow North Dakotans that I tried incredibly hard to find us a quarterback.  I really did.  I tried to swing a few trades even.  Unfortunately, there were no halfway decent quarterbacks left.  None would come out of retirement, I couldn’t trade for one, and there were none in the free agent pool.  Therefore, it is with great sadness and sorrow that I stand before you, announcing that your starting quarterback for the Fargo Trains is none other than Aaron Brooks.  May God help us.

"We also just signed Corey Dillon to start at halfback.  We hope that he can provide some veteran leadership, and maybe even make Aaron Brooks seem competent. 

"Now that I think about it, I should have written that into Dillon’s contract.  Oh well.

"I’m sure there are questions about our scheme.  We will generally run a 4-3 defense with a lot of zone to cover for my secondary’s ineptitude.  On offense, all I can say is that we intend to score points, but we don’t get our hopes up.  A west-coast style is in order, but with a little more running than usually associated with it.

"Now, on to the part that you all came here for.  You are here to know about my background.  You want to know if I can run this team.  Well, I’m not sure what to say.  Let me start on the subject by---"

CRASH!  A man comes careening through the wall behind me, stunning everyone.  He shakes the white wall dust from his clothes, to reveal a smiling Marcus Vick.

"Hey, this isn’t the. . .weed. . .room."

"Marcus Vick, ladies and gentlemen!  Our latest addition to the Trains.  I’m sure you have lots of questions for him.  Marcus will be around until. . ." I make a rolling gesture with my hand.

"Until my dealer gets here."

"Until his dealer gets here.  That’s great.  I have a meeting to get to, so I’ll leave you all with Marcus.  Don’t forget your depth charts on the way out."

*    *    *

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, anything in italics (like this) isn’t part of the story.  The depth chart below works like this.  An "R" denotes a rookie, an "H" denotes a holdover from the Fargo Liberty (in other words, a randomly generated player), and the number after that is the player’s overall rating.  Also, there are more players on the team than listed, but I will only be listing those who will see playing time in the preseason, barring injuries of course. 

Quarterback:

Aaron Brooks (79)

Joey White (H, 70)

Adrian McPherson (67)

Halfback:

Corey Dillon (85)

Darius Walker (R, 77)

Chad Morton (73)

Fullback:

James Hodgins (79)

Wide Receiver:

Antonio Bryant (86)

Peter Warrick (80)

Jeremy Bloom (71)

Marcus Vick (69)

Aaron Hasty (H, 65)

Tight End:

Teyo Johnson (77)

Tyrell Smith (H, 79)

Left Tackle:

Mike Williams (82)

Trevor Little (H, 73)

Left Guard:

Joe Andruzzi (85)

Matt Stinchcomb (80)

Center:

Greg Eslinger (74)

Meir Pollard (H, 60)

Right Guard:

Cosey Coleman (81)

Henry Johnson (H, 73)

Right Tackle:

Jason Fabini (81)

Lewis Kelley (78)

Left End:

Gary Walker (85)

Clifford Dukes (68)

Right End:

Joe Justice (H, 75)

Joey Abbott (H, 59)

Defensive Tackle:

Sam Adams (86)

Tony Williams (82)

Johnathan Sullivan (77)

Donnell Washington (72)

Left Outside Linebacker:

Lavar Arrington (84)

Rocky Calmus (79)

Middle Linebacker:

Al Wilson (92)

A.J. Nicholson (70)

Right Outside Linebacker:

Tommy Polley (81)

Saleem Rasheed (76)

Cornerback:

Demario Minter (73)

Ahmad Carroll (72)

Antonio Perkins (72)

Torrie Cox (72)

Free Safety:

Marcus Demps (75)

Andre Lott (71)

Strong Safety:

Shaun Williams (85)

Ifeanyl Ohalete (77)

Kicker:

Mike Vanderjagt (85)

Punter:

Micah Knorr (81)

Kick/Punt Return:

Chad Morton (99)

Jeremy Bloom (98)

Antonio Perkins (96)

Peter Warrick (93)

Chapter Four: Mulligan >>