:: Events ::

Life in the Upper Midwest

Chapter Four:  Mulligan

"Paul Allen, former voice of the Minnesota Vikings, and co-host of the ‘PA and Dubay Show,’ was found dead this morning from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  Police have said Allen left a suicide note, but will not reveal the contents.  One source claims it mentions his frustration with being passed over to do play-by-play for the Fargo Trains, who have hired former pharmacist Mark Lewis and radio personality ‘The Common Man’ Dan Cole for their broadcasts.  He also was deeply disturbed by the loss of his best friend Jeff Dubay, who was a casualty of the meteor incident.  We speculate that the combination---"

I turn off the television.  It is game day.  We have preparations to make.

It may only be preseason, but this will give us an idea of what to expect. 

In other words, not much.

We face the St. Louis Rams today.  This is not the kind of team that we should face first thing.  They have an incredible offense.  Marc Bulger is highly underrated by fans (it just doesn’t show in his huge contract).  He has some top tier weapons, including Torry Holt and Steven Jackson, two of the best at what they do.  Isaac Bruce may be getting older, but he can still catch anything thrown his way, especially with my horrid secondary.  Having Drew Bennett and Randy McMichael as third options isn’t a bad thing either.  Combine this with a strong offensive line anchored by Orlando Pace, and you have one of the more dynamic offenses in the league today. 

Defensively, they are solid.  Not good, not bad, just solid.  Leonard Little can definitely fight his way to the quarterback when he’s sober (I’m hoping the team name scares the shit out of him).  Will Witherspoon is an up-and-coming playmaker in the middle who can hit very hard.  Those are the only real standout players, but the rest are a very nice mix of above average veterans and average young talent who will develop into superstars sooner rather than later.  Example:  Tye Hill.  This guy is scary right now with his speed and athleticism, and in two seasons could be top tier. 

I expect a lot of deep passing to take advantage of my secondary.  If they can keep up with this awesome receiver group, there is hope for the regular season. 

Let’s see what we got.

*    *    *

"Dan, what more can be said about that play.  Perfectly executed by the Rams, and a beautiful bump by Holt to free himself."

"That was just a horrible defensive call, Mark.  They came out four wide, so you know they’re gonna pass.  Lewis sends his men out there in man-to-man, but leaves no safety help over the top.  As soon as that bump was executed, there was no one near him."

"So on the opening drive of the game, the Rams use only one play, going 74 yards for the touchdown.  We knew the defense needed work, but holy cow, that must be painful."

*    *    *

This is getting ridiculous. 

"PUT UP SOME RESISTANCE OUT THERE!  YOU LET THEM MARCH DOWN THE FIELD WITH STUPID LITTLE DINK AND DUNK SHIT!  STOP LEAVING YOUR MAN AND STAY IN THE ZONE!"

I need a drink.  We aren’t even out of the first quarter.

*    *    * 

"Brooks with the play-fake, looks around, pressure’s coming, gets it away and INTERCEPTED!  Brandon Chillar just runs right in front of that one, and he’s off to the races!  Taken down at the Trains’ 35 yard line!"

"The pressure the Rams are getting is amazing, Mark.  They are not biting on the play action at all.  Little has hit Brooks three times already, and one of those was a sack."

*    *    *

"Man, we sure do suck, don’t we?"  Alex has a knack with the obvious.

"At least we are holding them to field goals now.  They are improving.  We just can’t get any pressure out there.  Bulger has all the time he needs.  STOP DANCING AROUND BACK THERE AND THROW IT YOU ASSHOLE!"

*    *    *

"And that is sack number three for Leonard Little.  That brings up fourth and a ton, and it looks like St. Louis is going to call timeout here to save some clock."

"Yep, with 1:57 left you can bet they will take another shot before the half."

*    *    *

"Way to go guys, you have 11 total yards at the half.  I couldn’t be more proud.

"I expected this performance from the defense.  I figured that they’re starting offense could score 23 points on us in the first half.  But come on.  For Christ’s sake, hold the fucking line.  Stop dancing back there. 

"What the hell are you guys going to do when we face an actual GOOD defense?  This is only a slightly above average one. 

"I hope the second team is ready to pick up the pace.  I know this game doesn’t matter, but COME ON!  This is horrendous.  Now play football.  Really play."

*    *    *

"And Vanderjagt puts one through.  The Trains are on the board, but are still down 23-3."

"And that still wasn’t all that impressive, Mark.  The Rams just shanked that punt.  They only needed that one first down to get into field goal range."

"Yeah, still nothing noteworthy from the Trains’ offense.  I can’t believe how sad this is.  Their bright spots so far have all been special teams, with Morton giving them excellent field position that they aren’t capitalizing on, and Micah Knorr putting the Rams in tough spots."

*    *    *

"He’s changing the play. . ."  I look in disbelief as Joey White, former quarterback for the Fargo Liberty, calls an audible.  I cringe slightly, as I know what he just called.

Then the safety comes forward.  Then the linebacker shows blitz.  My God, I think, that son of a bitch just read this thing perfectly.

*    *    *

"White hands it off to Walker, but he’s hit hard. . . wait, White still has the ball, he’s looking deep!  Jeremy Bloom, no one near him, CAUGHT, HE’S PUSHED OUT OF BOUNDS AT THE 6!  What a read by White!"

"Bloom would have been able to take that to the house easily, but White doesn’t have the arm strength to lead the pass at that distance.  You see how Bloom has to slow down to catch the ball, letting the safety catch up and shove him out.  Still, though, we haven’t seen that sort of awareness from Aaron Brooks."

"We may have a quarterback controversy here in Fargo, folks.  Now the Trains line up in the I formation.  First and goal from the 6, White takes the snap, has time, and CAUGHT!  Marcus Vick snaps back from his route and makes the catch!  TOUCHDOWN FARGO!"

"Vick shows us his ability there, running as tight a curls pattern as you’ll see."

"With that extra point, it is now 23-10, and we may have a ballgame.  And of course, with that touchdown, Scheels Sporting Goods will donate $1000 to breast cancer research.  ‘Scheels:  We’re right there with you.’"

*    *    *

"Awesome stuff, guys!  Nice work.  White, excellent call out there.  Vick, that was some nice route running."

"Thanks, coach."

"Also, one other thing. . . . ‘weed room?’"

"Gimme a break, it was the best I had on short notice."

*    *    *

"And the Rams tack on yet another field goal, making this a 26-10 game with only 3 seconds to go.  A very uneventful fourth quarter."

"That was just a combination of bad offense and average defense clashing.  Nothing was going to happen that quarter."

"And with this kickoff return, the final score will be St. Louis:  26, Fargo:  10.  Stay tuned for the postgame show presented by Scheels.  He’s Dan Cole, I’m Mark Lewis, saying goodbye from the Train Station in Fargo."

*    *    *

107 total yards of offense.  And that was almost exclusively from the second team.

What the hell are we going to do?

Joey White looked good.  He looked much better than Brooks.  Perhaps he’ll start next game to see what he can do with the starters.  He’s definitely the more accurate passer, but he can’t throw the deep ball like Brooks.  I suppose that’s fine, we play more west coast style anyway.

Defensively, we got creamed as expected.  This was no surprise.  Nicholson actually looked incredible out there, coming up with 8 tackles and 1 sack.  He’s a machine who will also be looking to get more playing time, even if I have to put him at a different linebacker position.  Or I may switch to a 3-4 scheme.

Hats off to our special teams players.  In addition to Nicholson making plays there, Chad Morton had some great returns, one starting us off at the opposing 47.  Micah Knorr averaged 50 yards per punt, and angled one of those out of bounds at the 4!  A great job there, no changes need be made.

In the grand scheme of things, we got killed, but it doesn’t matter.  This game doesn’t count for anything.

It just shows me what a bunch of bums we are.